Week of August 9th

Aries

And the winner is? Through all the vote buying and back biting, you kept at it, Aries. And your persistence paid off. The winner of this year’s Sociopath Olympics is Bashir Assad, dictator of Syria, who beat off Vladimir Putin and a host of competitors. Having destroyed his country and bombing children’s hospitals with chemical weapons should have been enough to win, but flooding the Middle East with illicit amphetamines (“Captain Courage”) to addict millions and keep himself in power shows the spirit that makes him the winner of the Sociopath Olympics.

Taurus

Innovate, innovate. This week, Taurus, your new line of virtual cryptocurrency Birkin bags should really take off into the stratosphere. Is there a crypto billionaire who won’t want a Bitcoin Birkin?

Gemini

Double your pleasure, double your fun? We think you should think twice about representing the Winklevoss twins, Gemini. Yes, they may be former Olympians, but their immense capacity for lawsuits should give you pause.

Cancer

Mercury is ascending. Venus is decadent. Mars is suffering a cold, and refuses to get tested for the virus. This week take a breather and binge on Denmark’s great Borgen series. You’ll never feel the same about Danish politics again.

Leo

Out like a lion or a lamb? Better to be a lamb this week, encircled by a fence and protected by ET sheepherders. A major deformation in the Force from the infamous Epsilon sector argues you should low lie, and consult a Mandalorian about your taxes.

Virgo

The idea of a “Scandinavian Humor Festival” was so funny that participants could not travel to it. This week, we suggest you investigate Guatemalan humor, taking a sharp, dark turn as investigations get shelved.

Libra

ETs from Cleveland are continuing to protest media mischaracterizations, and need your help. Can’t you take one of thus adorably scruffy reptilians from Rigel IV on to Good Morning America? They love those kinds of scoops. Just make sure she/he/they don’t trash talk the Cavs.

Scorpio

Intergalactic Space Hockey interfered with Helskinki air traffic so much they have not been invited back. This week plan for next year’s competition by requesting a special waiver for Area 51; they have all the facilities for the competition you could ever need.

Sagittarius

Sure, you’re bummed out about the Hamdam dating app, but there are plenty of others. This week we suggest you try the site “My Stepmother is an Alien;” we hear it has the hottest ETs out there, especially from Ohio. But do mind the extra limbs; they tend to literally have a mind of their own.

Capricorn

This week is a good time for dramatic and courageous acts, Capricorn. And you’ve never been one to flee a fight. This Monday, use your organizational skills to help Karenia Brevis in its legal battle to change its name from “Red Tide.” Why should a dinoflagellate be labeled communist because it likes to eat agricultural runoff and radioactive leakage from phosphate dumps? Enlist Rudy Giuliani and Sydney Powell to the cause and you’ll win major media attention.

Aquarius

Last week was a great disappointment. Whale sharks announced they had no interest in any human Olympics, especially as none of the pools would be able to hold them.

But you know how to think out of the box, Aquarius. Why not run your own Olympics for each fish species? Salmon would love to try the high jump and hurdles.

Pisces

No, no luck with De Santis protecting manatees or other species. This week, we suggest you take a step back and think anew: can underwater pizza be the new thing? We suggest some taste tests first, starting with great white sharks, always on the look out for a new snack.