Aries
Your “Blackout Wednesday” abolishing all news outlets was a big hit at the White House. Now they want more. Your “Pandemic Politician” of the Year Award has already been reserved by the president for the years 2021 through 2024, but we know your soft spot for the little guy.
Perhaps a special award to Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida? His tourism campaign in the midst of a pandemic demonstrates a real gift for legendary thinking. We also have it from the Virus itself its deep appreciation for his willingness to mix viral strains from all over the country (and the world,) which, the Virus assures us, will greatly aid its attempts to fight human immunity and vaccines.
Some people deserve to be honored for their real work.
Taurus
We know you’re horrified that some internet sellers are willing to part with purple crocodile Birkin bags for a mere 185 K US. But fear not! Asset inflation will soon arrive, and your Treasure house in Mercury will soon overwhelm your descending Pleasure house in Saturn, leading to the next Big Birkin Boom.
Gemini
Holidays have you seeing double? This is your week for twofers, Gemini: double the trouble at half the price, doubly discounted for New Year’s. This week is will be very helpful to socially distance yourself from both lemon pepper and lemon mushroom vodka.
Cancer
Power to the people, the public, the politicians or the potentates? This week assert your influence, especially at Knights of Pythias meetings.
Leo
With inflation looming, selling truth should prove a great hedge, and you’ve got the inside track, Leo. Just don’t tell your girlfriend about your other, ET girlfriend, whose multiple tentacles leave you tingling in superbly non-terrestrial ways.
Virgo
Your local astrologer proved a less than perfect dinner companion when she refused to revise your sign or even consider what a massive black hole conflagration in the Gamma sector means to your love life. That is why we suggest always choosing AI approved astrologers, now providing improved charts audited by exclusive Matrix actuaries.
Even Kylo Ren doesn’t get that level of service.
Libra
Where there’s a will there’s a way, but is that way the way out to a way station whose weight will sink you?
To better answer this question you might want to try a Pisces boyfriend/girlfriend/friend who can help you swim away at the first sign of trouble.
Scorpio
Yours is a deeply romantic nature, but has the revolution already left your door? Fortunately, no.
It’s just taking a raincheck. We’ll let you know when it feels safe enough to return. You might want to get vaccinated in the meanwhile.
Sagittarius
Life is short, death is sure, but who pays? The answer to that question lies with you, Sagittarius, especially after you take your new ET girlfriend (in her star system such terms are negotiable) out for a spin to the local Deathstar, that combination bar/gym on the corner. Be ready to ask her lots of questions, and make sure she takes the check.
Capricorn
That Zoom date with the actuary not quite what you expected? Yes, knowing the probable date of your disability and demise is not quite the ice-breaker it once was. We suggest your next actuarial tete a tete come from Edison County, Michigan. Lawyer Sydney Powell said 100% of its votes went to Joe Biden, and even though Edison County does not exist, perhaps it should, especially as it will have more optimistic actuaries than last week’s meet-up man.
Aquarius
Everybody keeps moving Monoliths. But you remain aware that the original Monolith is still on the Moon, awaiting its discovery by Earthlings whose ensuing First Contact will change human history forever.
And thanks to your ET actuary, you know exactly where.
At least this week we suggest you not tell anyone, okay?
Pisces
Aquaman refused your Christmas invitation, but don’t feel bad. Covid is frightening even the Aquasphere, despite salt water’s capacity to dilute the Virus. Perhaps now is the time to show them your new anti-viral helmet, perfect for both airplanes and subterranean grottoes?
And hey, there’s always next year’s big bash in the Marianas Trench.