Aries
It’s time for change, and your inspired choice is to turn the clock back – fully back. Your “Disappear 2020” campaign, to completely negate everything that happened during the soon ending year is winning great support from the White House, very willing to accept stock market gains but not election results.
Now how will you be able to repeat the trick?
Taurus
War? What is good for? When it comes to handbag sales, plenty. Your new “Birkin Vs. Kelly” contests, with AI paparazzi following celebrities terrestrial and extraterrestrial, promises to ignite an interest in handbags even faster than “The Queen’s Gambit” energized chess.
We can’t wait to watch the winners copy the losers.
Gemini
Sometimes lemon mushroom vodka is not as effective as you would like. But the year is ending, at last. Changes in the Force, brought on by ten new Star War streaming series, augur opportunities in toys and military sales, with less focused gains in dentistry and fashion.
Time to double your money or your trouble?
Cancer
Power brings you potency and public popularity but does it give you love? Your Mercury Love house may be in the doldrums but Saturn’s Pleasure’s House will soon be meeting Mars for a martial tete a tete. This may be your best week for Zoom speed dating in several solar cycles.
Leo
Love may mean never having to say you’re sorry, but extra-terrestrial amour is literally a different creature. Your ET girlfriend’s attempt to simulate experiences beyond your neural capacity has left you with lesions only ET medics can repair but fear not: those hardy workers need jobs, and if you organize them, get them H1B visas and make them hits on TikTok, your extrasolar IPO has a real chance to go palladium.
Virgo
AI approved astrologers are superior, but their capacity to drain both your bank and Bitcoin accounts has left you in a bit of Christmas-New Year’s hole. We suggest a bridge loan from one of the better ET crypto- banks, whose Ethereal money is convertible to both starshine and moonshine in multiple star systems.
Libra
Your natural diplomatic fairness and sense of justice may leave you on the short end of the stick in the new upcoming almost controlled post-Covid normal. Might we suggest checking out accounting for a more reliable future?
Scorpio
Now that the revolution has passed into penurious dissolution, will evolution take over or be replaced by devolution? Women who have experienced involution should be able to tell you, making this an exciting week to check out the results of your love life nine months from now.
Sagittarius
Your seventh spirit house has decided to take a Covid delayed vacation, pushing your Uranus treasure house into something of a long bender. With Venus ascending above its station and Jupiter drifting in a gaseous haze, perhaps you can take up your neighbor’s offer and spend at least one evening this week carefully engaging his vintage lemon pepper vodka.
Capricorn
Your “Covid Cruises to Nowhere” business plan looks like a winner, where vacationers, approved post spit test, can travel anywhere they want as long as they don’t go too far. Might we suggest your first franchise in Miami, rapidly filling up with billionaires unconcerned with rising seas?
Aquarius
Hiding that ET monolith beneath a sunken yacht from Fisher’s Island was a stroke of genius, but we think your future should be even more sustainable. Getting high net worth Atlanteans to invest in Florida real estate before it disappears beneath the waves is just the sort of move Century 21 will never think of.
Pisces
Kudos to you, Pisces, for giving the December Ion Aliman award to Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. Aliman became famous for winning his Romanian mayoralty ten days after his death, just as DeSantis is becoming justly renowned for displacing and delaying Florida death statistics. As they say, it’s not over till it’s declared over!