Aries
Your “Disappear 2020” campaign has hit pay dirt. Deeply offended by this blatant attempt to negate human history, Obi-wan Kenobi now wants back in human affairs – as a talk show host. Still available only as a quantum presence, you’ll need ET help to put General Kenobi on tiny screens, but the possibilities are literally galactic – especially for an entire “Jedi Nights” lineup to play in quantum loops wherever sentient beings are found.
Taurus
The “Birkin Vs. Kelly” Wars have proven murderous on Rigel VII, with rival fashion gangs destroying the reptilian competition and converting them to bags. Fear not, for they have no extradition treaty with Earth.
Gemini
You’re moving up in the world. Your extraordinary idea to turn all 10 future Star War series into TikTok videos specially primed for dental offices promises toothy returns, as dental clients everywhere become more Covidly desperate for something to watch before their ordeals.
Cancer
Zoom speed dating leaving you with a migraine, or just a hangover? This week try the Tesla TikTok Challenge, where nubile space engineers lip-synch to their favorite electronica stars. Perhaps the stars will align for you?
Leo
Which is more, E to the Pi or Pi to the E? It’s the kind of question someone will attempt to ask a person of your status, so prepare. Your new ET medical friends will be glad to help out, in any dimension you desire.
Virgo
Want to get back at those AI astrologers who ripped you off, and worse, exactly predicted all those terrible events last week? Take your chance at retail therapy through the new ET version of Prime Video, which promises extrasolar exposure and fabulous discounts on Martian jewelry.
Libra
Money has never been your game, but this week will prove different. Bitcoin is searching for a new home, and you’ve got a stellar suggestion: a small asteroid in the Belt completely beyond all judicial jurisdiction. Not only do you have the ET contacts to get Bitcoin there, but the special quantum computing necessary to mine all future Bitcoins and knock the Chinese out of the market.
Scorpio
Now that you have to pay for new members of the family, you need cash fast. We suggest considering a new soda for the COVID stay at home crowd. Koko Cola will combine chocolate and caffeine for a real kick, and the beans will only be organically grown in areas native to fully protected gorillas. People can get high and fast amidst ecological humility.
Sagittarius
The New Year is coming, and last week’s lemon pepper vodka bender hit you pretty hard. What to do? Time to ask for a renewable presidential pardon, good through 2024, that even your employer will need to take into account. Isn’t that what Pay it Forward means?
Capricorn
You’re about to not just be put on the map but in the sky. This week you will help the Trump family relocate to Edison County, Michigan, a place cited by their lawyer Sydney Powell as a center of voter fraud where 100% trumped their ballot for Joe Biden. As Edison County does not exist, you can place it anywhere, and since there is no jurisdiction or government whatsoever, no crimes have been or ever will be committed. Your actions will achieve the undying love of presidential supporters throughout the known galaxy.
Aquarius
It’s a New Year, and you need new perspectives. We suggest spending the Holy Day at one of the resorts owned by your new friends on Atlantis, pleased with their new options on Florida real estate as hedge funds flee New York for less legally restricted climes.
Pisces
Do Octopi really bully fish? Or were all those scientific videos doctored? This week you will go below the waves and find out if this is just another fish story, or a truly cinematic Tall Tale.