Aries
If Black Friday turned bleak, is there still time to bring back Blackout Wednesday?
We think so, and so might the White House. Your new plan for “Blackout Wednesday,” when all news is banned from all networks, terrestrial and galactic, should allow a new reset for truth almost all politicians will love. Not to mention marketers.
Taurus
Will Birkin bags bedazzle the new Bitcoin billionaires?
You certainly hope so, given your literally priceless collection. But beware: Bitcoin wallets, unlike Birkins, can suddenly disappear. And then you’re left not even holding the bag.
Gemini
Why can’t people just get together and see past their differences?
You know why, Gemini. And you’re not saying.
At least till you get that book/video deal with ByteDance. And with your Saturn treasure house ascendant, this might be the week.
Cancer
Given the Covid massacre here on Earth, it’s time again for some interstellar travel. This is the week to contact your new friend James Cameron and see if he can get Sophia Loren to go along.
As every future Einstein knows, interstellar travel is a great way to stop aging.
Leo
It’s time to speak truth to power, Leo. Your new People’s Propaganda Project should allow you access to all the major truth sellers, and might even get you an interview with Georgia’s Senator Perdue, whose stock selling shows that knowing the truth while in power can prove powerfully profitable.
Virgo
Is this the way to The Way, or just a way station on the way out? Greta Thunberg might know, but she’s hard to visit with travel quarantines. Perhaps your local astrologer is a better bet this week.
Libra
That big slice of holiday chocolate pumpkin cheesecake finally let you meet Mr. Right, in a socially distanced kind of way. Will his beefcake set the standard for future celebrations, or will you bake your own cake and eat it, too?
Scorpio
You turned down Kylo Ren two weeks ago, but what of Ridley Scott? The Covid Crisis has spawned a new yen to revisit the Alien series, and who better than you to write the coda to the next Hollywood epic?
We can’t think of anybody.
Sagittarius
Ok, Ashley Madison is a bad idea with a pandemic going on. But this is a great time for starting future revolutions. As a way to meet new friends, this week represents a perfect time to rewrite the definition of socialism, especially as no one seems able to find the original.
Capricorn
Is it true that actuaries are folks who found accounting too exciting? You know in your well-ordered heart that can’t be true. Your new TikTok video, “Amazing Actuarial Action” should win hearts from Zurich to Wall Street to Bermuda, and back.
Aquarius
The Monolith craze is spreading. Stainless Steel Monoliths have disappeared and reappeared from Utah to California, without even a nod from the original Star Baby as to which alien species did the moving. But you know, Aquarius.
And that knowledge will allow you to put the next Monolith in the Aquasphere. Is Netflix listening?
Pisces
What happened to your last underwater ET girlfriend is one of the great unsolved mysteries of the past week. But even before she teleported to Rigel IV, she left you a small object possessing the means to make this week even more meaningful.
Aren’t you willing to tell us what it is?