Aries
Did the Grand Mutation of the solstice of December 21st, 2020 transform your life? Not as much as the mutations of B.1.1.7 and E848H did. This week check if your sun sign is willing to negotiate with your birth sign. If they can cut a deal, you should get a vaccine soon. With restrictions loosening and Mercury retrograde you need protection, fast.
Taurus
The “new bodies for old bags” program is set to take off this week, Taurus. Just bring an Aquarian with you to enjoy their “crown of stars,” as the new market for Birkins shifts decisively from usual to virtual humans. Why pay for a body when you can have a new one virtually for free?
Gemini
I know you’re bummed that nobody cares anymore about ETs controlling lasers in space. But ETs know all about planetary climate change; that’s a major reason so many live with us. This week, consider using your ET connections to start a new company focused on geoengineering; Robinhood is a good bet for the IPO.
Cancer
This week consider starting your “Everyday Elvis” TikTok channel, where Elvis will respond to each day’s celebrity events from his personal perch on Rigel IV. You might want to delay some of the broadcasts to get over the light-based time lag transmission; Warp 8 shuttlecraft have gotten noticeably scarcer since COVID came to town.
Leo
This week you can roar like a lion and skim like a bee, but we’d recommend against floating like a butterfly given the increase in P2.5 pollution. This week will be very active for you in your eleventh house of career advancement; but with Mars coming by, don’t make waves, unless you’re with Aquarians.
Virgo
This week Jupiter will bring you a slew of projects. Reject most of them, but consider the global Grape Nut shortage, which has hit ETs hard. Try to find a way to short planetary grain prices and your sixth house of happiness may meet your tenth house of pleasure and get you and your love a chance at a new, more dietarily balanced relationship.
Libra
Cats are where it’s at this week, and you will be catcalling the future with a catch: not everyone can use a cat filter for their internet calls without crashing the system, so your supercute Brussels Griffon avatar will sweep the net.
Scorpio
Will the teacher planet Saturn have an affair with pleasure planet Venus, or will both watch Mercury descending and supinely head for the bar, where Mars still refuses to wear a mask? Better take a rain check from amour this week, Scorpio, especially with Aquarians losing Saturn’s protection; crowns of stars are sadly not propitious for love-making.
Sagittarius
The revolution is starting, and you can be in on the middle of the ground floor, Sagittarius. Elon Musk claims he now has monkeys wired to play video games by thought alone; you will contract with Musk to start wiring players to make stock trades by thought alone, speeding their moves and increasing profits (though often for someone else.)
Capricorn
The future is yours this week, with bold moves leading to mighty forces massing behind you, just like they do in Washington. Florida CFO Patronis has offered Florida to replace Tokyo for this year’s Olympics, given its fabulous record on COVID (only about thirty times the death rate of Japan) and vaccination. Everybody knows that IOC won’t budge, but you can start the Sociopath Olympics, an annual event hosted in Mar-a-Lago that anybody who’s anybody may want to join, or at least watch.
Aquarius
This is a really big week for you, with your “crown of stars” promising happiness in both carnal and retail departments. Many will beat a path to your door, so make sure the screen door is clean and ventilation working before you expand your group of heady new projects.
Pisces
Will Aquarius’ good fortune this week be shared by you, Pisces? Not until you can get Gina Carano to stop tweeting about fish and Nazis. This will however be a great week for you to start your new team franchise for celebrity Fortnite gamers, especially in hard-hit Argentina; talk with Nina Ninja.