Aries
This is a very sad week of both of grandeur and destruction. It is the duty of your sign to lead funeral services for galaxy ID2299, dying a mere 9,000 light years away. Perform the rituals perfectly, however, and you get naming rights to a new star. It’s the kind of opportunity that rarely occurs in 136,000 lifetimes, so look sharp.
Taurus
Your virtual Birkin bags are a hit with the virtual crowd. Some aficionados have asked us if you’d like to also design virtual arms and hands to go with the bags. This could be your truly lucky week, as AIs stand ready to help with whatever human design requirements you may require.
Gemini
The ET Liar’s Institute may be gone, but the ET Debunker’s Group lives on! Your first job - to investigate a Briton’s allegation that Goop’s famous vagina scented candles exploded in her living room. That’s almost as ridiculous as Congressmen declaring their own election fraudulent. What politician would ever say that?
Cancer
Recently you’ve made a great living fulfilling human desires for endless fantasy, aided by your many, intimate AI contacts. This week we give you a fantastic opportunity: we found Elvis. And he’s willing to talk.
Leo
COVID has upended much of life, but not crypto. This week we suggest you travel to fabulous Zug, Switzerland. Once through quarantine and Swiss vetting procedures, which should only take a few months, your fabulous event planning talents can be fully utilized birthing new cryptocurrencies. Where there’s no sky, the sky’s the limit.
Virgo
You’ve always been prescient, Virgo, and today is like no tomorrow. Your plan to deal with the coming real estate crush by converting new mega-mansions into low income housing, complete with HUD subsidies, other tax benefits, and investment credits for overseas green card investors, is the best potential slam dunk we’ve seen in months.
Libra
It’s a new day in America, and lots want to party. Your proposal to become member chairman for the new Patriot’s Party demonstrates personal power and purposefulness. Loads of ETs, stuck in immigration hell, are more than willing to buy their places. And you know who they are.
Scorpio
It’s a disappointment that your Warp 8 virtual design studio has already been eclipsed by Warp 9, whose fashion items only last 69 minutes. Fear not: your new Warp 10 store will create the new Schrodinger line of sport coats and jackets, where all items blink in and out of existence whenever buyers ask the price.
Sagittarius
Your pre-emptive presidential pardons are back on the back burner. Already groups at Robin Hood are asking if you want to get in at the front line of some fantastic new financial schemes.
Capricorn
Your new crowdsourced plan to buy Javanka’s Washington mansion has great, patriotic merit. Refused access to their toilet for years, and forced to meander over to the nearby Obama mansion, the Secret Service is seeking a new home where all the facilities can be used by their agents at the flick of a finger. This time you will make a real impact.
Aquarius
During a pandemic, Valentine’s Day is not quite the same. Your new plan to offer free legal separations during the 24 hours of the formerly romantic holiday can provide many what they desperately seek but have not been able to afford.
Pisces
We know the terms are enticing, Pisces. But we suggest this week you not get involved in the arms deals that will allow fish to more lethally deal with octopi bullying and harassment. It’s a time for unity and healing, and there are more than enough weapons out there, by sea and land.