Aries
Now that the quarrel between your sun sign and your birth sign has led both to preventive detention plus six weeks of mandatory anger management, can the future really brighten? It can. We’re just not sure how.
Take it easy this week, okay.
Taurus
If inflation is coming will real, as opposed to virtual, Birkin bags stand far behind the next commodity boom? Few may think of the supreme platinum nilotic bag as the inflation hedge of this century (and beyond), but your farseeing fashion foresight will place you in good stead through the next round of Fed tightening.
Gemini
Has watching Gemini Man made you proud of your sign? Do all Geminis have the capacity to become effective, successful, conscience-stricken hitmen? Don’t be offended, but ETs have been cloning well before there were homo sapiens. This week, you may not be replaceable, but next year?
Cancer
Power and personality are linked, and this week you might achieve both, Cancer. Exalt your tenth treasure house and ignore your eighth funhouse but not your seventh narcissistic house, and your ET connections may soon give you access to very important people in very, very high places.
Leo
The Olympics are coming, and you’re ready, Leo. Now that Hashimoto Seiko will take over our most sacred athletic competition, sprinting past a group of male LDP octogenarians, your intelligence and superciliousness will be recognized for the assets they are. But you do have to talk to her about the rules – no hugs or high fives for Olympians, but 150K condoms? Is Tokyo really that boring?
Virgo
This week be particularly flexible, shifting your financial interests from now surging Grape Nuts to interplanetary Bitcoin. The latter is much more easily mined on Rigel IV than on Earth (computers are Googleplex faster there,) and Rigelians will be happy to help you remember your passport – for a fee.
Libra
Your plan to create special ET avatars for human cellphones has hit a snag with the new FCC, not to mention the FDA, who fear interstellar contagion. Be persistent, and use copious amounts of lemon mushroom vodka as your regulatory lure.
It’s time for AT&T to recognize ET Phone Home service is no longer science fiction.
Scorpio
This week you will get a special offer – ET veterinarians will propose you as their representative to treat humans in the U.S. Though there is a severe shortage for most medical practitioners, especially in the ET specialty of alien species’ mental health, be careful; ETs rarely but obsessively try to snack on human pets. Sometimes your best bet is not to hire a vet.
Sagittarius
No, Elon was not excited by your plan to have humans hard-wired for telepathic stock trading; he thought it might destroy his heavy position in Dogecoin. Yet fear not. Citadel and Robinhood may be interested, as long as you can get sufficient bank collateral; Deutsche Bank might prove the ideal candidate.
Capricorn
If love means never having to say you’re sorry, what can Mitch McConnell say to Donald Trump? Sorry that love was lost, or we lost and I’m still sorry? This is the week to ask Ivanka’s opinion before she files for the Senate in Florida.
Aquarius
Octopi may be bullies, but fish are not defenseless. This week consult Aquaman about your long-brewing plan to start fish unionization. It’s time to organize aquans of all stripes and colors, and overfishing is just the warm tip of the iceberg.
Pisces
Playing Fortnite for a fortnight has left you famished and famisht. This week we suggest you lighten up on gaming of all kinds, resting and relaxing by watching art history tutorials on Youtube.
But beware the Yangzhou Eccentrics. This is not their week.