Aries
Your collective funeral services for dying galaxy ID2299 proved a resounding success, with copycats flying through Washington and New York. We suggest you trump them all with “preliminary” national services for the “Death of Democracy,” with many ET teams in Washington and Budapest happy to oblige.
Taurus
Birkin bag lovers were excited with your virtual bags, and even more by your virtual arms and hands suitable to these most glorious accessories. Now fans want you to go further, providing full virtual bodies that will look great with Birkins. Start this week by surveying international handbag models to discover their opinions, especially on “new bodies for old bags.”
Gemini
Your work with the ET Debunker’s Group is getting you noticed, Gemini. And this week you got a hot scoop: the Group has thoroughly discredited Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene’s accusation that “Jewish lasers from space” are causing many California forest fires. Not only are there few lasers in Earth’s orbital space, but they are all controlled by ETs who are rigorously non-denominational and would never, ever harm living trees. A defamation suit may be in the offing, with expressed interest from evangelical groups.
Cancer
Are you willing to talk about your talk with Elvis? Is it true what he says about the Royal Family, does he really furiously binge “The Crown,” and will he tell all about his riotous junket to Rigel IV? If you’re willing to speak on camera we should be able to offer a virtual Larry King to help with what will doubtless prove a hard-hitting expose.
Leo
Okay, your time in Zug did not go as expected. Not only were you bored out of your gourd, but several of the efficient Swiss took you and your crypto-finance ideas to the cleaners. But fear not. Once you’re out of quarantine the weather will turn, and you should be allowed back into the U.S. just as soon as the B1.1.7 variant gets licked.
Virgo
Your conversion of mega-mansions to low-income housing is getting lots of attention on the Hill, Virgo. And with new trouble in New York’s superhigh luxury buildings, suffering bangs, clangs, twisting plumbing and dangerously swaying lobbies, new options are appearing each day. Who says low-income housing can’t go high?
Libra
The Patriot’s Party is just getting going, but so are you, Libra. That terrible feeling of FOMO has distressed you ever since you saw the stock market zoom upward, especially in trash like Gamestop. So this week is a fine time to launch your competition for fast moving Dogecoin. Catcoin should earn catcalls from financial regulators everywhere, and win the admiration of felines throughout lower Manhattan.
Scorpio
You’ve always been ahead of the curve, Scorpio, but can you now get behind the ball? Britain’s PM Boris Johnson is looking for a trade “win,” and we think you’ve got it – visa and fee-free transfer of American and British actors across the pond. Moving out of work Brits to American sound stages promises to improve not just custom drama accents but American political discourse, which could use a high minded upgrade.
Sagittarius
Hyperloop travel tunnels under Miami? If Mayor Suarez and Elon Musk have their way, a distinct possibility. And you can help the cause, by enlisting ET engineering expertise to show how the same tunnels can drain off the inevitable floods that will plague the city in the coming years.
Capricorn
Sadly, Javanka’s mansion in Washington will not be soon sold, though the Qataris appear to be interested. But perhaps others may be enticed by your new TV-TikTok franchise based on verified ET serial killers. ETs have learned a lot from American mysteries, but few can do true crime better than your friends on Rigel IV.
Aquarius
Your plan for free legal separations during Valentine’s Day was vigorously shut down by “friends of the family” groups in the capital, freshly emboldened by their experiences on January 6th. But you can change your fortunes by helping Oklahoma sell the $2 million in hydroxychloroquine it no longer wants as you’ve recently met some folks who may desire that once unobtainable drug.
Pisces
Thanks to your work, the arms race between fish and octopi seems to be quieting. Your outstanding results have already been noted in Moscow, which now wonders if you can help out them get better terms for withdrawing their overly expensive hypersonic nuclear weapons before they’re deployed.
Nobel Peace Prizes have been awarded for lesser efforts.