Aries
Your plan to “Disappear 2020” won plaudits throughout the solar system, but so far 2021 does not appear a whole lot better. The producers of the movie “2012” wonder if you can use your alien contacts to set up the next disaster film where the Earth is mainly destroyed; Chiwetel Ejiofor is willing to come back for the sequel, and don’t you think your pals on Rigel IV could use a little cash?
Taurus
This is a tricky week for you, Taurus. The many Administration supporters who believe lizard aliens control the government are provoking real lizard aliens to openly fight for the rights. They are particularly horrified by the “genocide” of Nile crocodiles used as skins for your best Birkin bags. This week highlight straw bags, or just lay low; the lizards are coming out of the closet.
Gemini
Double your trouble, double your fun. This week you have the opportunity to join a select group of ETs starting ETEC: the ExtraTerrestrial Election Corporation. For completely reasonable fees, they can fix elections anywhere on the planet, even months after they take place! Their experience spans several millennia, and their attractive benefits package makes this an opportunity you don’t want to miss.
Cancer
Zoom speed dancing is already over, but TikTok Trances are just beginning. The finest alien engineers are working on videos that will subliminally addict Earthlings to major but tasteful ET porn stars, working their compressed magic within spots only milliseconds long. This is your week to add genuinely erotic ET adventure to your life.
Leo
Your subtle explication of the relation of E to Pi and Pi to E has attracted the attention of the admissions department at MIT, who are willing to give you a first-year academic scholarship. But are you willing to give up your dead-end job and basement apartment to go live in cool Cambridge and do tensor analysis? This is a week of hard choices for you, Leo.
Virgo
Franchising Martian jewelry turned out to be just another multi-level marketing scheme, and you’re feeling a bit burned out. That’s why we suggest you reach out to Christy Smythe, the journalist who reported Pharma-Bro Martin Shkreli’s illegal antics (she even wrote an obituary for him if he killed himself in prison,) only to fall madly in love with her subject, quit her job and marriage and devote her life to Shkreli. But her object of adoration is no longer talking to her: this week is your chance to get into high stakes journalism.
You might even wrangle some nifty drug discounts.
Libra
Now that JP Morgan has declared they’re worth $146,000, Bitcoin has decided against a new asteroidal address, but fear not; Ethereum is now looking for extralegal cover. And you’re the one who knows exactly where in the solar system to get it.
Scorpio
Koko Cola is winning ecologically minded fans in Kazakhstan, aided by your strategic reach-out to Borat. He loved the chance to aid mountain gorillas and sustainable cocoa farming. Now it’s time to get extra-solar. Alien gorilla fans on Rigel IV are already clamoring for the drink, thinking it might help overcome their multi-generational sterility; you don’t have to disabuse them, do you?
Sagittarius
That renewable presidential party good until 2024 no longer appears to be in the cards, as the Trump family is actively trying to take all the slots. Despite the increased legal scrutiny, we think this is a great time to get into cryptocurrencies, especially new ones being put together by SPACS out of Rigel V and Proxima Centauri. The latter is not inhabited, but do investors really need to know? They seem to be willing to buy anything crypto no matter how cryptic the investment information.
Capricorn
When a coup attempt fails once, why give up? Much of middle America is excited by your plan to proactively impeach President-elect Joseph Biden after his incoming deputy chief of staff used the “F-bomb” when referring to some members of the opposition party. As Senator Marco Rubio pointed out, Biden’s staff has already reneged on its plan to bring about “unity and healing.” If they can’t be civil, why should they be allowed to govern?
Aquarius
Aquaman is already sounding out major financiers and media figures in Atlantis and other undersea centers for a crowdsourced fund to protect terrestrial governments. Given their experience with schooling fish and packs of sharks and barracudas, they know how dangerous organized mobs can be. And they could use a little Aquarian help.
Pisces
Octopi are furious that their carefully cultivated media image as smart and thoughtful mollusks is now under concerted attack. In their heart they know they are not bigots, and have always tried to show ecumenical mercy to fish, who they never bully without reason. This week you have a great chance to increase your marketing moxie across the many seas.