Aries
Kim Kardashian and Kim Jong Un can’t get it together, Kanthey? When there’s trouble in both Korea and California, world leaders in brazenness and braggadocio may find common ground. Your contacts among aliens, Aries, especially those with the right kind of romance empowering saucer technology the CIA recently highlighted, might produce world-shifting alliances.
Taurus
Prepare for the counter-revolution, Taurus. Birkin bag lovers everywhere are up in arms at attempts to restrict sales of their most extremely beautiful bags by the forces of reptiles, with demonstrations scheduled for Minneapolis, Portland, and Washington. Take that, lizard aliens!
Gemini
The start of ETEC (Extra-Terrestrial Election Corporation) continues to provide you new enterprising ideas. Your friends from Rigel IV have proposed to follow market needs and create a new Liar’s Institute, training humans in more effective mendacious mendacity. Consider their business plan, but don’t trust them.
Cancer
ET porn has yet to propel the market, but with Mercury, Saturn, Jupiter and Pluto all descending, we suggest you take this week off – by the twitching of our thumbs something wicked this way comes.
Leo
Mathematics is a language, and you know how to talk, Leo. We suggest you send a series of coded messages (Newtonian kinematics works) to North Korean physicists suggesting their bosses consider new Venture Capital contacts in Silicon Valley. There’s lot of money to be made in the Diamond Mountains.
Virgo
Is better always best, or is the next best thing the next new thing? We suggest you give it a think all this week, letting the Inauguration be over before committing to publishing a full mathematical proof.
Libra
Are you really the one who’s been stealing all those Bitcoin wallet passwords? If you have, businesses on Rigel VI are more than willing to aid upir similar work on Ethereum, and are willing to give you a full solar system transport pass, good for 99 Venusian days. Never has finance been so fungible.
Scorpio
Selling Koko Cola at the Inauguration may not win you votes but will make for some great TikTok videos in Tianjin. With China winning the e-commerce merchandising game, this is a great time to up your game both terrestrially and off-planet. Gorillas everywhere should applaud.
Sagittarius
Don’t give up yet on those pre-emptive, renewable presidential pardons. Many in Congress seem perfectly capable of disregarding all kinds of illegal behavior, so why shouldn’t you?
Capricorn
It’s time to unleash your previously introverted inner marketer. ET Exercise is looking for a sales leader of vision, and your program of “Do Athletics Like an Alien” promises to jumpstart the entire acrobatic community to extraordinary extrastellar leaps.
Aquarius
A large part of the Atlantis VC community is supporting Aquaman’s efforts to protect land-based governments from undersea and underground encroachment. It’s time to highlight your many connections to the sea for all to see, especially when you’re still ogling for pool equipment franchises.
Pisces
Cuttlefish and octopi have reached out to fish and cetaceans to protest the use of manatees as mobile political advertising. Never again shall the names of presidents be curved into the soft flesh of thoughtful, quiet mammals; this is a time for all mollusks to unite.