Aries
Your rise to fame will be swift once you identify the winners of the 2024 presidential contest – Kanye and Donald. Kanye’s plan to have the former president’s tweets sent automatically, 24 hours a day, to earbuds everywhere appears to be overcoming hesitation in the Trump camp. The only fly in the ointment – who gets to head the ticket.
Taurus
Birkin bags that never age. Never wear. Always shine. Always photograph exceedingly well. A pipe dream? Not with your new virtual Birkin bags, whose three-dimensional excellence can be projected anywhere, even inside your ex’s boudoir. Design engineers, however, are still working on the inability to carry anything except your panache.
Gemini
It’s a terrible disappointment, but you’ll get over it starting this week. The ET Liar’s Institute has admitted total failure. They have encountered humans who lie better than anyone else in the galaxy, and admit they have nothing to teach.
We did tell you not to trust them.
Cancer
Forget ET porn. Virtual Sex has the ability to revolutionize human life, and you can help make that happen, Cancer. You can promise and deliver what ETs now recognize as humans’ defining trait – their desire for continuous, unrelenting fantasy.
Leo
Your North Korean contacts have given you a great idea. Now that Kim and Kanye may split, what to do with their $60 million-plus mansion in Las Calabasas? Since virtually no one wants to live there, your idea of converting the space to multi-generational low-income housing will not only provide lucky Americans a chance to live the dream, but a kickoff to Kanye presidential plans.
Virgo
Now that the best of the best has been beaten, and the next best thing became the last old thing, what is the future of a future abandoned by the past? With Mercury descending and Venus on a well-deserved bender, we suggest taking out your cherished lemon mushroom vodka and playing spin the bottle.
Libra
Your new ETF dedicated to previously undiscovered cryptocurrencies is gaining much interest on the part of both regulators and mob bosses, not to mention Robin Hood day traders. What better way to create something out of nothing?
Scorpio
It’s time to hang tough, Scorpio. Your new Warp 8 design studio promises to smoke the competition with a virtual fashion mall whose buying opportunities will never last more than 24 hours. And nothing will ever wear out!
Sagittarius
Bummed out on losing those pre-emptive presidential pardons? No problem. This week consider a move to the Russian Federation, where as Alexei Navalny can prove to you, lawlessness is not just accepted, it’s the law.
Capricorn
Even extra stellar athletics not attracting a desired partner? ET matchmakers are ready and willing to help, with new virtual offerings not otherwise available in this solar system, for reasons we cannot print. If you can offer a green card, they can offer galactic quality services without you ever needing to leave quarantine.
Aquarius
Atlantis is pleased with your many attempts to shore up land-based governments, and will give you the coup of a lifetime: the true identity of Panda man, the naked rollerblader silver streaker on I-670 in Columbus. Hint: he’s a member of Atlantis’ ruling party, carrying its popular symptom of sovereignty, a golf club.
Pisces
Mollusks appreciate your efforts, Pisces. As a sign of their esteem, they will bestow on your more than 8 ounces of brown fat, distributed to any part of your abdomen you wish. Brown fat’s lifegiving and heart sparing qualities are well known to cephalopods everywhere. And you won’t have to spend years in freezing water to win your prize!