Week of July 12th

Aries

This is a big week, Aries, where post-July 4th overindulgence gives way to digerati utopianism. Beware dark compliments and self-serving VCs. With Mercury no longer retrograde and your guiding planet, Mars, dead broke but desperate to holiday, we recommend this week as a time for deep contemplation and vodka fueled yoga, aided by beautiful images of the techno- future, courtesy of Beeple.

Taurus

Resist! Attempts to use Birkin bags as repurposed drones opens up a historic future of defense applications for the most beautiful handbags in the world. You must lead the fight for Art against War.

Gemini

Twins are back, and so are you, Gemini. Multi-bodied ETs are having a hard time adjusting to Earth living, but you have the answer. Identical twin ET body surrogacy should allow twins both hefty retirement payments and a totally new lifestyle.

Cancer

A bad week for the Force but perhaps a good week for you, Cancer. The galactic Epsilon sector has gone bonkers, delivering heatwaves and hurricanes. But take this week to help Britney Spears. With a few good ET connections, she can bring back her career and obtain musical redemption.

Leo

Your “Right Spirit” Snacks have been popular in area 51 and Wuhan, but not so great elsewhere. This week use your ET friends to host new artworks with the potential to overwhelm ArtWorld - who could turn down a real UFO spaceship for an NFT? Who cares if they’re NFS?

Virgo

With Denmark in the Euro Cup semi-finals, following its finest player had a heart attack on the field, the “Scandinavian Humor Spectacular” promises a glorious future. Rent those Aarhus fairgrounds now!

Libra

Who cares about Australian mice? You do, Libra. With even Murray cod fish scarfing the supersaturating critters, now on track to eat a cool billion dollars in grain, you could be in time to save the day. Mouseburgers may at first sound uncool, but combined with cricket protein powder they could rule the Southeast Asian snack market.

Scorpio

With your sixth treasure house in the toilet and looming tax and school bills, you need a quick fix, Scorpio. We suggest a whole new arena - sex toys for aliens.

ETs are getting pretty bored on Earth right now. As you know from the movie “Scorpio Rising,” you’ve got the Right Stuff.

Sagittarius

You’re in luck. With the new moon on July 9th, you’re wide open to commandeer the cashbox of your tenth house of other people’s money. You know that with Chinese mining banned, Bitcoin will be back! And so will you.

Capricorn

With Dear Leader Kim Jong-un regaining weight despite a crippling famine and unreported Covid surge, you’ve returned to the good graces of the one and only NK. With Universal Music going public, now is the time to strike and take over rights to the entire Moranbong song catalogue.

Aquarius

This week you will be approached by tall dark strangers hiding in cloaked devices able to fool all terrestrial monitors.

Forget them. Join with ETs for a new combined social justice program, as aliens throughout the galaxy unite against terrestrial discrimination and exploitation.

Talk with the fish. They’ll know what to do.

Pisces

Ebrahim Raisi was too exhausted by his overwhelming election victory to judge the Zoomies. But you have found the ultimate replacement: Vladimir Putin is willing to judge the Zoomie award for “best performance by a politician in a fixed election.”

And an entire, unnamed political party is really interested to see his picks.