Week of July 19th (post Bastille Day)

Aries

Art is opportunity, and the future beholden to the bold. With recent poor imitations of Leonardo going for millions of dollars (some would argue hundreds of millions,) ETs are here to help. For shorter than it takes to form a breath, ETs can create inexpensive but fabulous copies of Leonardos without the scratches, repainting, tears and moth bites of the originals.

Chance favors the prepared mind, and you’re ready.

Taurus

So the battle of Art against War did not go so well, Taurus? New Birkin drones may indeed be added to Defense services everywhere. But you know Birkins’ real purpose - to give everyone with enough cash a taste of the divine.

This week start your campaign for Birkins bring Beauty.

Gemini

ET identical twins are a hit in Cleveland and Ft. Lauderdale. In the former, earthlings can’t tell the ETs from the real thing. This week we suggest you open up the more exciting, rare triplet market.

Who can’t use an extra brother or sister when they come from Outer Space?

Cancer

The Galactic Epsilon sector has quieted, but not the Gamma group. Disruptions across the Force and (dare we say it) the Dark Side are causing eruptions in financial markets across Earth, provoking inflation, dissipation, and even tergiversation.

A good week to sit still and watch the VIX.

Leo

Congrats, Leo. Your genuine ET spaceship as artwork has already been optioned for the Venice Biennale and the new outpost of the Victoria and Albert museum. We suggest this week you start marketing preparations for your “Right Spirit” snacks with the Queen. The royal family could use a little help these days, and so could BoJo.

Virgo

Scandinavians were deeply shocked to watch England lose the Euro Cup to Italy. But that terrible defeat has given impetus to next year’s “Scandinavian Humor Spectacular,” with plans to hold it in Goteborg, near the Chinese owned Volvo plant. Cars and bars go together, right?

Libra

Feeling sleepy this summer? Next week promises to prove action-packed, as Uranus and the Sun finally speak to each other and lament the state of Earth. With the Sun ruling your thirteenth house of luck and fulfillment, plan for romance, drug middlemen and fitness instructors to enter your busy life.

Scorpio

Zelda and Mario are getting together, and so you will this week, Scorpio. For those not in the known, unwrapped original Zelda and Super Mario video games went for a combined $2.3 million in recent auctions, showing that old games never go out of style. Is this the week to start a new Video collectibles business?

Play Fortnite and you may get a sign.

Sagittarius

Who needs the Universe when you’ve got the Metaverse? Your new Metaverse incubator promises to put Silicon Valley right in the middle of simulated unreality, where it belongs.

This time, the sky is not the limit.

Capricorn

Kim Jong-un sends regrets. He’s gaining weight again. He doesn’t know why. He’s using the Peloton. He has the entire female section of the NK People’s Army to support him.

This week, you better get his weight down, or face state consequences.

Aquarius

Florida Aquarians are up in arms at the death of so many Florida Manatees (about an eighth of the population in the last six months,) and are looking for terrestrial allies. Though Governor Ron DeSantis is working to classify agricultural runoff as “free speech,” they are hoping you and your ET friends may come and help. It’s not just manatees getting killed, but hard working, deeply spiritual Aquarians.

Are you willing to cross the waters?

Pisces

Vladimir Putin was unfortunately unable to judge the Zoomies, but the Zoom universe remains large and expansive. We like your plan to have Rudy Giuliani do the judging, especially as he knows all the winners before seeing their performances.

This week, adapt.