Week of July 26th (Olympics!)

Aries

This is your week for the Olympics, Aries! Not the muted affair in Tokyo, but the Sociopath Olympics in Istanbul. And with loads of new competitions, this will be the grandest Sociopath exhibition ever! Loads of newcomers think that perennial favorite Vladimir Putin will take this year’s Sociopath of the Year award. Yet home favorite Erdogan may provide a spirited challenge, and the number of MAGA hats present make this year’s anointed much more unpredictable.

Taurus

It’s Olympics for you, too, Taurus. Virtual Birkin bags, oversized for the winner of the marathon, are de rigeur. But don't forget the Sociopath Olympics. The health corporation competition was thought to be a torrid affair between “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli and Elizabeth Holmes of Theranos. But the worldwide sellers of bleach are making a strong showing, hoping for that official SO “pillbox” bag and bragging rights.

Gemini

Careful, Gemini. Double acts this week may not be where you wish to go. Helping Bill Cosby with his “Comeback Tour” is simply not aligned with your stars this week.

Cancer

You’ve been a little down, we know. The number of Covid deaths last year in the US equaled that of your eponymous companion, cancer. But just as perhaps half the population is sloughing that catastrophe as “overblown” or “just a hoax,” you too will get back your mojo this week. A little bit of California mushroom pizza over a wildfire wood burn should get you back in gear.

Leo

Your “Right Spirits” snacks are hitting high points just before the Olympics. But ETs want to help. This week they will approach you with new performance enhancing substances that can be added undetectably to all of your snack line, at minimal cost. Athletes, it’s time to get in the spirit of the times.

Virgo

With the “Search for Scottish Humor” ending unhappily in Dunfermline, you need a new gig this week. Perhaps your new sitcom on John Maynard Keynes will provide a key to economic success.

Libra

Fitness instructors and lemon mushroom vodka have restored your soul. It’s time to plan next year’s space adventure. With some ET help, you can probe the solar system, though you may want to think twice about the required medical exam.

Scorpio

The Weeknd, Angelina’s new beau, is hot to trot, and you can help him out this week. Your new movie playlist of “No Direction Home” and “Mommie Dearest” should provide the pop star some eye-popping ideas.

Sagittarius

Yes, the Metaverse is taking all your and day and night hours. Who wants to deal with actual reality pandemics, raging wildfires, and outrageous Covid lies every day of the week?

To feel better, we suggest you look at Hamdam, the new dating app from Iran. Coming with the highest official sanction, post personality

Test Hamdam will match with your future spouse - no questions asked or allowed until you meet. Four years of free marriage counseling comes with the service.

How you can beat that?

Capricorn

Fleeing into the Bootleg Fire was the right move, with Kim Jong-un’s underling hot on your heels. But they won’t give up.

Perhaps your new “TV weight loss” program will help the rotund ruler. With tapes of the worst shows over fifty years, Kim may lose his appetite yet again.

Aquarius

Not allowing Aquarians into the Olympics is outrageous. This week plan your official ocean-dweller’s boycotting ceremony with Aquaman; calling up The Weeknd should bring on the media to an event not to be missed.

Pisces

Manatees need help, and so do Hamptonites. The shortage of staff has caused many on eastern Long Island to do their own gardening and beach trimming for the first time since prep school. With an eighth of the Florida population dead in the first six months of the year, manatees need a new place to live. And they love to weed.

Seagrass or tennis, anyone?