Horoscopes - Week of 7.27.20

Aries

Your new tryst with an ET fleeing both Cleveland and Miami is teaching you more about Covid-19 and extraplanetary sexual and eating habits than you ever thought possible or desirable. After you get at least a week’s worth of well-earned sleep, perhaps you can notify the White House that there may be some novel uses for bleach after all?

Taurus

New patriotic face masks featuring 3-D images of coronaburgers probably won’t win the consumer’s heart right now. You might want to think about novel “happy” stickers for Hazmat helmets and other coming fashion trends.

Gemini

Your new “park plays” – playlets designed for open spaces and 360 degree microphones – promise pleasure for many who miss live entertainment. Might we suggest one minute versions of “The Caine Mutiny” and “Clueless” as starter packets for a new career?

Leo

Wakandan real estate private equity may have ditched you for better deals with Russian oligarchs escaping London, but you’ve got staying power, Leo. The Wakandan military is very interested in your personal guided tours of Portland and Chicago, but warn them they may need to get there by stealth aircraft.

Virgo

As Pluto enters your sixth house, Saturn leaves your ninth house, and mortgage bankers invade your eleventh house just before your unemployment check arrives, it may be time for a vacation. We suggest starting your search for the perfect vacation hideaway with BBC epics on English Great Houses. If the service isn’t right, what else matters?

Libra

Hogwarts needs you now. Covid oblivious tourists are invading the Orlando branch, and JK Rowling is inalterably detained by activist pen pals. It’s time to call Dr. Strange and bring Hagrid out of retirement, or otherwise, classes won’t start this fall, even with magical distancing.

Scorpio

Are hazmat helmets the coming thing? Certainly, if you can’t wait to get on that next A380 to Tokyo. Your inestimable talents as a salesman will soon be demand for personal protective hazmat, joining remarkable cross-marketing opportunities with RV manufacturers.

Sagittarius

The revolution can wait, for life is now. With so many missing so much, especially with future lockdowns looming, your open-air, potted plant rolling kiosk represents a smart bet on the future. Plants not only make great pets, but they never interject at the wrong moment of your most intimate conversations.

Capricorn

Ultraman may be taking his water-filled RV to Hollywood, but Ultrawoman is still available. Can you channel your inner Jacques Cousteau to arrange a savage, oceanic tryst?

Aquarius

Did you think your age, the Age of Aquarius, disappeared with the film version of the musical Hair? Not by a whisker. The Age of Aquarius is coming near you, especially in south Florida, as the oceans warm to the new global climate change epoch.

Pisces

With Death Valley hitting 128 in the shade, people need your cool power, Pisces. We know you will scotch all these malicious rumors about Johnny Depp hiding out with Roger Stone at Kanye’s desert getaway. Just make sure your probation officer is okay with your cross-country trip.