Week of June 30
Ares
Power to the people. Members of the viral and epidemiology community are entirely behind your new “Covid-Secret” project. Almost 900 members of the Secret Service have come down with Covid. With your help, how they got infected and their future health will be studied at the highest levels of national intelligence. Perhaps someday these results will help our outstanding political and economic figures keep themselves safe so that they may continue to guide us.
Taurus
Last week was bad, with vicious rumors that Birkin bags were spreading disease. Nothing could be further from the truth. To think that mobile organic international heritage could be attacked in this way is devastating. Your new program to mobilize Birkin Kids to Instagram their favorite ET-designed bags should be the start of a great, revitalizing process.
Gemini
Space lasers are back, and so are you, Gemini. Saturn is ascending. Mercury is declining. A great week for you to discover what your ex has been up to in the woods.
That’s better living through technology.
Cancer
We’re sorry. The great Ringling Ca d’Zan Mansion, the ultimate Hollywood Venetian, will not be sold to Disney.
But all is not lost. Your vision, experience, wisdom and foresight will be put to the test this week by emanations of the Force from the Galactic Epsilon Sector. You cannot trust the Epsilon sector, ever. A good week for piling on lemon mushroom vodka - responsibly.
Leo
Space snacks did not fly, but “Right Spirit” snacks may win the day. Your bold move to ask ghosts inhabiting area 51 to join you in designing new edible morsels (most ghosts are perpetually hungry) promises to change the entire landscape of evening snacking.
Virgo
The combined sex-tax scandal for the “Scandinavian Humor Spectacle” is a blow. Putting everything into a Luxembourg LLC-SPAC was probably not the best idea.
But you are resourceful, Virgo. Your new “Scottish Humor Spectacle” promises to bring down the house in Inverness, and will be backed by the Scottish National Party to the hilt of their kilts.
Libra
Your self-cleaning AI neurosurgical tooth/brain brushes seem to be gaining adherents throughout Latin America. But this is no week to rest on your laurels. We suggest a hearty breakfast of California pineapple pizza before tackling your next project - Kardashian clones.
Scorpio
Now that ETs from Cleveland are becoming your BFFs (and ETs have a very different sense of forever than you) it’s time to line up some real economic benefits. With China getting out of Bitcoin mining, ETs are more than happy to start mining in the Asteroid Belt, where nobody worries about ecological devastation. Getting the information transmitted back? That’s where you come in.
Prepare for a long journey into the unknown.
Sagittarius
Your “Me and My Machine” Project has hit some technical glitches. No matter. This week, your tenth treasure house of pleasure is in a much better spot than your eighth house of unemployment. A great week to let Jeff Bezos know you’ll be looking out for him when he comes back from space, altered by nefarious ETs.
Capricorn
Things are looking up. Your food plan to help Dear Leader Kim Jong-un avoid further ferocious weight loss is being considered at the highest levels in Pyongyang. This may be the week for you to re-establish contacts with your girlfriend in Moranbong-perhaps an illegal Michael Jackson mixtape will be the ticket?
Aquarius
Warriors of the water, unite! Aquarians were shocked when a nude, sun bathing Australian couple were viciously attacked by a beach deer (antlered!) outside Sydney. You will help them prepare an app that will allow mermaids and mermen to immediately come to the rescue of any hapless terrestrial menaced by aggressive species.
It’s time to give back by going back to the waves, Aquarius.
Pisces
There is unique genius, and then there is very unique genius, Pisces, and you’ve got both. Your amazing plan to have Iran’s new president, Ebrahim Raisi, judge the new Zoomies award for “Best Performance by a Prelate, Middle East (0-2 minutes)” may help the stalled US-Iranian nuclear talks. And all the participants in the contest, mindful of what Raisi did with others in 1988, will certainly perform their best.