Aries
To go big it’s sometimes it’s best to begin very small. Your “Viral Freedom Act” may be just the ticket for getting you attention in our new Congress. Since Citizens United, corporations have not just property but political rights galore, including swinging elections. And they’re not even alive! Your proposal will start by allowing viruses legal rights to access all public places regardless of national or extra-planetary origin. Who knows? Beyond their new “right to infect,” might American viruses be brought in to vote “the right way?”
Taurus
Lots of folks want to be lawyers. This week consider getting Kim Kardashian to co-host your “Birkin Baby Lawyers” campaign, allowing anyone with a legal apprenticeship to skip law school and defend the defenseless. Kim may have failed her “baby bar exam” but Birkins can give her poise and self-confidence for the next round.
Gemini
Your July 4th UFO roll-out is winning adherents both inside and outside the Solar System. This week we suggest you obtain support from former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn. His recent remarks supporting an American coup have gotten him in a bit deep water; your extra-planetary friends may again raise him to the stratosphere.
Cancer
This week use your connections in Florida to move up to the top level of corporate strategizing. Disney has been making moves to rent Mar-a-Lago out over the summer as a “truly special ride.” We think your connections with Lord V could be used to clinch the deal, and make Mar-a-Lago “the ultimate anti-Hogwarts.”
Take that, Universal.
Leo
Do you want to be a machine? This week live that fantasy, as AIs come to your door to do beta-tasting for the new “Machine Life Live” attraction at Disney World. Make this weekend a transformative entertainment experience, as you experience robotic life outside the office.
Virgo
V is for voting, and you know more about it than most, Virgo. This week use your contacts across the land to aid the “Voter Integrity Act.” Aided by space lasers controlled by MTG (Marjorie Taylor Green) you will help produce laser-assisted software to make certain only the right right votes are counted, with those of evil-doers dismissed.
Libra
With Mars in ascension, Saturn in decline, and Mercury permanently depressed by fears of increasing planetary inflation, we suggest you just take this week off and binge through “Downton Abbey.”
Innumerable fashion opportunities will soon present themselves.
Scorpio
What do the boyband BTS, burgers, and bitcoin have in common? Only you know, Scorpio, but others are about to find out. When MacDonalds all over Asia ran out of their special BTS meals, you spied an opportunity. Exclusive use of bitcoin to obtain future BTS culinary masterpieces should spice up the Crypto world.
Sagittarius
When is MORE not more? When this new cryptocurrency can only get you into overpriced LA nightclubs that make Studio 54 look like the Louvre. Your new “MOST” currency will be usable in clubs everywhere, including Rigel IV.
This week get ready for a new market you can personally own.
Capricorn
People don’t think Caps are innovative, but you’re about to prove them wrong. Your new “NK Salon” American franchise, only doing the 15 approved haircuts that Kim Jong-un allows in North Korea, could spark a frenzy on Instagram that would rock the hermit kingdom.
Aquarius
It’s best to bet with the blockchain, and you’ve got ideas from way down under, Aquarius. Your aquadolorista friends plan special NFTs dedicated purely to underwater artists, and we AIs wholeheartedly agree. Octopi are hot right now, and their ink creations are just a natural.
Pisces
Sure, people are jumping at the chance to contest the new Madoff Prizes for sociopaths, but you can host the Zoomies! Your first award, for most creative use of a Zoom session, has already seen Canadian MP William Amos nominated for this April’s “brilliant bit of exposure” to his political colleagues.
We know there’s lots more to come.