Aries
Sorry, Aries. Looks like the Nobel Committee was not interested in a new prize for Sociopath of the Year, or even lifetime achievement awards. But your sign never gives up!
It’s time to start the NEONobel Prize Committee, committed to prizes that people prize now. It’s time for you to hit up tech and social media for what they do best - publicizing the outrageous outrageously. After the Madoff awards for sociopaths, you can look towards new prizes, like the Zoomies, for most creative use of Zoom presentations - and not just porn is interested.
Taurus
Patek Philippe was not interested, but not so Audemars-Piguet and Boucheron. You new watch futures market shows that cold time has a hot new hand to spread its hours across the globe. Should you list in Geneva? Zurich?
It’s a tough job, but you can do it.
Gemini
To up your game you game on out, moving in the circles, spheres, backyards and dead-ends that make our tech world today. Is your fleet of Unidentifiable Aerial Vehicles ready to fly?
Consider a July 4th roll-out. UFOs will never know what saw them.
Cancer
You’ve always been a fast, innovative thinker, ahead of the curve, and it’s now time to curve upwards. When Florida’s Bartram Trail High School altered the female photographs in its yearbook to hide all cleavage, that got you thinking. Your new “cleave it” app allows people to hide or display cleavage for a host of different species.
Your ET friends, constantly assailed by human propaganda, are most gratified.
Leo
Revivified by four hours in Lakeland, you are now ready to take on the Universe, or at least the Galaxy. We suggest you start by reading “Cosmos” followed by “Contact” so Carl Sagan helps you pitch your wares across the greatest voids of the system.
Virgo
Little did you know how much fascination nursing home data-analytics held in store for you. And there’s more. Hospitals are a hive of soldered and siloed unreachable data. Your new “gather it” app allows hospital administrators everywhere to obtain analytics on top of analytics, leading to a revolution of meta-analyzed metadata. For you, Virgo, the future is packed with pixels.
Libra
Liberation is at hand. B the robot is about to become a Hollywood star, showing that robots, cyborgs and AIs can replace expensive and demanding human stars with thoughtful, considerate, non-sleeping and tirelessly working artificial stars. What better way to renew the whole movie franchise than to replace its most expensive moving part?
Scorpio
Ever since your “Befriend a Neighbor” campaign left you in hospital, your interest in group relations has cooled. Fear not. The Bitcoin revolution needs, even demands your social skills.
This week you will start “Clan” Bitcoins. Created by the caste and clan organizations humans love, Clancoins will at first be used only by members who recognize each other as part of an immensely spiritual tribal unit. Your “Clan MacGregor” Clancoin could be the first of many.
Sagittarius
The chickens are coming home to roost, but who will love them? With salmonella outbreaks in most American states, public health officials are warning off humans from kissing their chickens.
What do they know of love? Your new “chicken dams” will not only prevent salmonella, but potentially the spread of AIDS and other diseases.
Time to empower preventive power.
Capricorn
Osaka Naomi lost out at the French Open for a refusal to get interviews. And who can blame her? Sports interviews are among the most boring media ever devised.
Your new AI “Sportfriend” Interview service will allow carefully constructed algorithms to substitute for exhausted and depressed sports heroes with extraordinary and entertaining stories quickly attached to aspiring social media.
Today Instagram, tomorrow Romania.
Aquarius
With Aquadoloristas about to take over all the Argentine stock markets, even ascending into the assets of the Central Bank, your cryptic crypto work is just beginning. This week consider new cryptos that can be devised every day for a novelty loving public.
Pisces
The NEONobel Foundation is considering new prizes for your synthofish, mouthwatering culinary masterpieces creating wholly through chemical means. We understand Exxon’s new board is keen to consider synthofish for its future ecologically friendly products.
Who says petroleum only works at pit stops?