Week of March 22nd

Aries

This will be a challenging week, Aries, as pandemic problems plague your yoga studio. Adopting a position of lofty non-concern may prove helpful; use daily corpse pose as means to enforce needed discipline.

Taurus

Virtual bags, virtual money, virtual art and virtual fashion are proving a big hit. People no longer want to be troubled with annoying reality. This is a great week to talk to ETs from the gamma sector into making virtual Birkins sub-galactic; just be very careful about licensing rights.

Gemini

The Boy Scouts need your help, Gemini. Their new campaign to help pay their $300 million in sexual abuse bills now includes selling their priceless collection of Norman Rockwells, including well-famed pieces like The Right Way and I Will Do My Best. And you will do your best, Gemini, in making sure soon retiring Judge Judy has first dibs on all judicial pieces.

Cancer

ETs have been disappointed with terrestrial failure to accept their extraterritorial citizenship status. They are, however, enthusiastic about vaccine passports, particularly as many have engineered immunity to all human diseases, including humans. Some may ask you this week to present their proposals to Mar-a-Lago. Are you ready?

Leo

Great work, Leo. We know through your efforts superhounds Champ and Major will be returning to the White House. This week we suggest you move on to other aspects of White House security, like protecting the Oval Office from bitcoin wallet and identity theft.

Virgo

Your new connections with Vladimir Putin offer you great new business opportunities. We suggest this week you connect with Kribi – a new Minnesota company promising long-term, self-cleaning underwear. With all the money laundering going on, Kribi has a great future.

Libra

We know, we know. Your attempt to place yourself on OnlyFans got you blacklisted from both TikTok and the National Temperance League. We suggest you change your luck this week by burning sage in all your bathrooms (to protect against evil infectious spirits,) and enjoy a nice cup of lemon mushroom vodka before your nightly snooze.

Scorpio

Ever the revolutionary, we have an evolutionary assignment for you this week: with Jared Kushner extruded from the Mar-a-Lago inner circle, we suggest you persuade him to head the National Project Against Vaccine Hesitancy. With so many opposed to vaccines for spiritual reasons, Jared’s work in the Middle East may be able to persuade some to make sacrifices to save all their sisters and brothers.

Sagittarius

With Venus coy and Saturn reclusive, not to mention martial Mars about to have a long-expected Covid breakdown, this is your week to mend fences with old enemies and create new fences for future false friends.

Capricorn

Will Meghan and Harry live happily ever after? Will former royals entice non-royals to enjoy the luxe blandishments of an emigrant commoner lifestyle, ungraced by the grace of the Queen? With your farseeing vision, Capricorn, you know the truth; this is the week to tell your hairdresser and find out what she thinks.

Aquarius

Your opposition to formal fish funerals has won you kudos throughout the aquasphere. This week, Aquarius, you use your new-found influence to found a new firm of underwater internet influencers. The whole ocean is your market.

Pisces

Last week proved it’s clear ordinary fish are not yet interested in formal fish funeral franchises. But business down below should soon bloom with global warming bringing terrestrial entrepreneurs into the three-quarters of the planet they view as a garbage dump. Your opposition to throwing all the Fukushima hot waste into our great seas should re-establish your reputation with fishy establishments almost everywhere.