Are you breathless with anticipation? Others are, with the success of your ET “Friends of Covid” group spreading across the nation – literally. Now Mississippi has joined Texas, South Dakota and so many others to show a much more friendly approach to the virus.
This might be a good week to stay inside.
Taurus
Birkins are barnstorming America, and you’re going to help, Taurus. Your new Birkin app allows 3D simulacra of dozens of different Birkins to appear magically at the side of any cell phone, allowing others to imagine you with your favorite bag.
Virtual bags demand difficult fashion choices; please consider outfits with deep pockets.
Gemini
Getting Kanye to write the new anthem for the Nicaraguan Space Force is a non-starter, but you’ve got other great ideas this week. One is to run Kim instead of Kanye as the Patriot Party Presidential candidate in 2024. Isn’t it time a fashion-conscious female billionaire took over America?
Cancer
Your work on behalf of ETs is gaining leverage. The prime minister of Thailand recently spritzed a crowd with hand sanitizer, proof that ETs are already hounding him for citizenship papers. Now is the chance to take your shadow banking into different dark hallways, using newly minted cryptocurrencies to pay for passports.
All the citizens of the Rigelian planets will thank you, a process that may continue for centuries.
Leo
Defending Champ is what you were born to do. First the aging presidential German shepherd was described by some news media as “dirty” and “unpresidential” – as if 13 year old dogs should always wear makeup. Now Champ is relegated to Delaware, as his rescue pal Major has proven overly feisty, especially with the press. Your program to bring an aged campaigner back to the White House should prove your campaign of a lifetime.
Virgo
Love means never having to say you’re sorry, but liking allows for a certain amount of reasonable regret. Should you settle or should you sparkle? This week, try different Zoom backgrounds on your dating apps; perhaps you can start with a view of Putin’s new palace in the Caucasus.
Libra
With Saturn your taskmaster and Mercury your joymaster, this week can change your fortunes, Libra. You are looking so buff and bodacious you can take your fave private photos from your OnlyFans site and place them on Facebook; everyone deserves to bask in your beauty.
Scorpio
America is about to boom, and you can begin that beguine yourself, Scorpio, with your new international Start-up of Start-Ups franchise. Soon entrepreneurs everywhere can create national corporations to champion other entrepreneurs promoting future entrepreneurs. Make sure however to have your future feats paid for in present revenues, preferably in fiat currencies backed by Central Banks.
Sagittarius
Where is the love, Sag? Is this the week you will meet your ultimate Zoom partner and spend a lascivious virtual holiday on the AI-supported island resort of your dreams? Spring is coming. Cancel your Mensa meeting and meet your measure of virtual romance.
Capricorn
We understand that it’s hard to admit Dr. Scott Green, the plastic surgeon who zoomed his operating self from his unconscious patient into defending himself in Traffic Court, is your cousin/former roommate and tennis partner. Don’t be afraid of public opprobrium; plenty of people want anesthesia these days.
Aquarius
This week your Aquarian air sign is a formal sign to not sign that new construction contract. With so many building across America, do you really need a new vacation home? We suggest rentals over at least the next two months as the Fed decides how to fight inflation and shore up Bitcoin.
Pisces
With feral octopi and unpatrolled no-catch zones, fish are feeling very unwanted these days. We think your new idea of franchised fish funerals, complete with undersea burial, recognizes that real fish – not the Frankenstein varieties found in school cafeterias – deserve respect and a proper interment. With lower Hollywood revenues, Aquaman should be available for promotional purposes.