Week of March 29th (sprung spring)

Aries

Last week the power of corpse pose was proven again in Colorado, Georgia, and Alabama. In part due to your concentrated detachment, yoga is no longer banned in Alabama schools; the word Namaste is. This week, your job is to try to explain to Alabamans that saying hello in Hindi, or even its literal meaning of “I bow to you,” are meanings that should not be of issue in their losing cultural wars.

Taurus

If the impossible is truly inevitable, is the improbable all that unlikely? This week we suggest you hedge your bets and go easy on the jalapeno crisps; they don’t look as fashionable as they might sticking out of high-end Birkins.

Gemini

Judge Judy has decided to help the Boy Scouts pay their $300 million sexual abuse bills, in part due to your far-seeing eyes. This week use them to notice that Venus is not playing fair with Mars, Jupiter is suffering a hangover, and Diana is wondering about leaving the moon altogether to a cryptocurrency group seeking extraterritoriality.

Your latest romantic partner will be astonished; so will you.

Cancer

If ETs can’t be citizens, why can’t they be TV producers? This week attempt a new spin on UFOs; genuine ETs talking on camera about what were – and which were not – hoaxes to fool terrestrial defense forces into leaving Earth wide open to galactic penetration.

And no, don’t invite Q to the premiere. She’s still owed 16 days paid holiday she needs to use up before May 1st.

Leo

With Mercury bottoming, Saturn ascending, and Pluto so wobbly he can’t find the restroom, this is a week to cease and desist Leo, even if you’re doing nearly nothing. They also serve who stand and sit.

Virgo

Self-cleaning underwear did not get you the Newsmax creative fiction job you wanted, but keep trying, Virgo. Cleanliness might not approach godliness but may sanction saintliness and disable orneriness, at least as far as Father Christmas’ reindeer are concerned.

Libra

Though last week was not quite the stonking success you expected, try, try again. This week emulate Eric Warren of Texas who stole a loaner off a BMW lot, then pulled a bank robbery to pay cash for the car.

In your case, we suggest bitcoin or ethereum might prove less worrisome than cash; if stiffed by BMW, consider Tesla.

Scorpio

This week aim for inner balance and harmony while maintaining attention to your vital center and inner assurance; when opportunity arrives, knock on wood and click your heels, but not without proper video drone surveillance in case you really get lucky and want all your enemies to know.

Sagittarius

A glorious full moon this week will mean nothing to you, Sagittarius. Take it in stride, and recognize that your funhouse will be outgunned by your pleasure house and thoroughly outmatched by your treasure-house; this is the week to take some chips off the table before someone eats them.

Capricorn

We understand your consternation when your hairdresser would not talk to you about Meghan and Harry, saying that her influencer contract no longer allows her direct statements to the public.

Let it go. Concentrate on the excitement of getting vaccinated by eating spicy coconut ramen, and the future week will open up with delightful possibilities.

Aquarius

You may be tempted this week, following Elon’s self-declaration of himself as “technoking” to proclaim yourself “aquaking.”

Resist this temptation; you don’t want a multi-generational television series describing your family’s actions beneath the waves.

Pisces

This is a good week for contemplation and rest, especially from high finance. Consider the future, but remember the past; succor the sick, but check your insurance; honor your elders but don’t forget the absent children; and forgive yourself from future transgressions, much as your neighbors already have.