Week of May 10th

Aries

Nothing succeeds like excess, and this week you’ve got it in spades, Aries. Your “Fewer But Better” voter program is winning accolades throughout the Republican megasphere. When you’re Right, you’re always right, right? You can’t allow a few errant voters to stand in the way of history.

Taurus

It’s time to move pass ordinary Birkins, Taurus. With Mercury retrograde and Uranus opposed to the sun, it’s time to consider a simple Himalaya Niloticus. The crocodiles are no longer in a position to worry about the constant skin bleaching, and if the $379,000 price tag is too much, that’s what the virtual world is for.

Gemini

Double your fun or double your trouble? This is a week to be cautious of the past but skeptical of the future, attuned to new trends but in touch with tradition, happy to survive and surviving long enough to pay taxes. A great week to consider further corporate branding opportunities.

Cancer

The end of the beginning is turning a corner, but the middle is looking surprisingly middling and the beginning of the end appears increasingly distant in a haze of dope, car fumes, micronized plastic and pollen. Time to talk to a favorite ET about extrasensory perspective.

Leo

Power attracts power. Use your ET contacts to create new friends in the Electric Power Industry as America starts setting up a half million quick charging car stations. This week’s charge is to charge yourself to new empowering opportunities, but be mindful of that painful coal in your past.

Virgo

You have been powerless too long, Virgo. Use this week to study the movie “Seven Days in May” as a template for your takeover of the U.S. and obtaining future world domination; but don’t forget the rights to the video game.

Libra

Though this week your fifth house of happiness is confronting your sixth house of mortgage debt, retrograde Mercury will raise your seventh house of investment income to your eighth house of satisfied indenture. Just let the time pass and you shall pass.

Scorpio

With a mere 700-800 people officially dying of Covid every day, America is relaxing and opening up, and so can you, Scorpio. This is a great week to kick back and watch some of your all-time favorite films like "National Velvet" and "Seven Days in May;" better leave "Scorpio Rising" to the summer, though.

Sagittarius

As you discovered last week, leprechauns do not make the best business partners. But they do make for entertaining conversations, so your latest business enterprise, “Lunching with Leprechauns,” may have the right pixie dust in the post-post-Covid economic era. We’d advise avoiding the New York Metro region, especially Soho and the Village, where people are all too aware of what leprechauns like to do.

Capricorn

The video of your visit to DMV is winning accolades throughout the conspiracy theory industry, who are having a harder time convincing millions that pizzerias are dens of satanic rites. That world domination is achieved through hapless DMVs who can’t even look up your name is just the kind of idea they can use.

Aquarius

Resentment is a powerful force both below and above the water. Use this week to organize working stiff sardines against the dredge hand of the global fishing industry, and even angry cetaceans may join your cause.

Pisces

Sharks are increasingly angry that programs like “Shark Tank” completely misrepresent their many worthy achievements and contributions to the environment. This week consider becoming their public land-based representative, but only after making sure “My Octopus Teacher” will quickly leave Netflix.