Aries
Your “Fewer but Better Voter” program has caught on across among right-thinking America. It’s so successful that Matt Gaetz and numerous state legislatures are dponsoring a refinement, a national “The Fewer the Better” campaign. How else to defend democracy than to make sure the voters left after vigorous, sensible vetting are educated properly to vote right?
Taurus
Okay, some non-cognoscenti blanched when you suggested they look at the most recent Birkin bargain bags at 379K. They failed to see it was just your way of getting them into “hard,” real investments like a priceless Birkin bag versus an easily flipped and stripped Bitcoin. This is a good week to meditate daily about the lost achievements of fashion history.
Gemini
When tradition is transitional and the past is rapidly turning into the future plus some horror movie twists, what to do? This is a good week to settle down to a prolonged reading of “The Brothers Karamazov” to prepare yourself for the post-COVID era of sustained social satisfaction.
Cancer
Last week you discovered ExtraSensory Perspective. This week that’s becoming harder to find while you’re benumbed by the daily work grind, family politics, and worries about Vladimir Putin’s investments. The next seven days settle each work session with a well deserved large sip of lemon mushroom vodka, and the future will temporarily take care of itself.
Leo
Power attracts power but also attracts hackers seeking power often willing to accept money as an intermediate step. This week use your ET contacts to finally solve the Colonial Pipeline hack, and reward yourself with a new series of warrants for hydrogen power futures; eventually you want those pipelines to have something worthier to carry than fossil fuels and public anger.
Virgo
World domination may not look as attractive this week, but there’s still time to put spring in your step. Your new TikTok mashup of “The Art of the Deal” with the best moments of “Friends” promises to open up doors you never knew were closed, plus adding commissions, residuals, streaming rights and legal wrongs to your growing portfolio.
Libra
Venus is your friend and soul mate, but with Mars moving into Cancer and Saturn bedding down with Pisces (yes, it's unthinkable, really) it’s getting hard to match up with the proper mate. This week when a Tall dark stranger accompanied by a red dwarf knocks on your door, ask them their signs and favorite planets before barring the entrance.
Scorpio
Remembrance aids recall. On the 100th anniversary of the birth of artist Joseph Beuys, rejoice in his ability to predict the future: his Kunst =Kapital (Art = Capital) project predicted and aided the rise of Art NFTs, and the wonderful new world of empowered Dark Web aesthetics.
Sagittarius
The leprechauns tried to outsmart you but you left them in the lurch, shorting Bitcoin, going long on whiskey and brussel sprouts futures while starting a pan-planetary hydrogen futures derivatives trading business. This week relax with a large Philadelphia style deep dish pizza, and carefully ponder the questions you will ask at the coming Warren Buffet-Elon Musk shindig.
Capricorn
No, you can’t wait for Memorial Day, but try. With your fifth house of tradition in conflict with your sixth house of happiness, not to mention your interfering third bungalow of hard knocks, this week contemplate your unaccompanied upcoming visit to DMV and the spiritual uplift it will provide. Perhaps a dental visit aperitif?
Aquarius
Quick on the draw and fast in the saddle, you’re way ahead of the pack, Aquarius. Noting how graffiti art is now worth millions and millions and millions, your new underwater graffiti, powered by special cyber-secured chemical pens based on mRNA iridescent fish technology, promises to storm the sagas of the Sargasso Sea.
Pisces
Why should the oceans be left out of the Crypto Revolution? Your new underwater cryptocurrency, the Aquadolor, promises to make money flow like water where it belongs - below the waves.