Aries
Fewer is better, but less is best. And not just in voters, but certain memories. Don’t we all have some events we’d just love to forget? Your “Erase History” ad program is already winning support in the Senate, where many would prefer January 6th, 2021 relegated to the state of a presidential pardon: It Never Happened.
Taurus
The future is here! Your new Baby Birkin Bitcoin is the latest cryptocurrency to get launched in the last twelve hours, and it’s already a hit.
Beauty never dies.
Gemini
Are you ready to duel with duality? Is the universe a figment of your imagination, or is your imagination planning to retire and just looking for an excuse? This week Saturn, your planet of expansiveness and financial hope, enters your eighth house of weekly experience as part of its planned post-Covid rest.
A great week for lemon mushroom vodka pizza, with all the trimmings.
Cancer
This week your ExtraSensory Perspective is telling you to choose caution in big decisions; Mercury is retrograde, Tiny Tim is ascendant, and your fourth house of honors and achievement might be going into receivership. When stock analysts flock to your door, explain that your crystal ball is in the shop and you can all talk after Memorial Day.
Leo
Boldness and bravery have marked your life, but who has noted your sensitive side? This week introduce your colleagues to the intimacy of English metaphysical poetry, and you may never be Donned again.
Virgo
Opening doors are what you do best, Virgo, but where do half-opened doors lead? And if you walk through half-closed doors, will you ever get back? This week contemplate the eternal Return, as you consider a new career in innovative doorknob design.
Libra
Should you turn down that invitation from the Tall Dark Stranger? This week use your Internet skills for your new start-up, Vet Veterans. For a small fee you will vet online dating partners, bowling alley companies, cryptocurrencies and miniature golf courses as Americans flock to greater security amidst unbridled pleasure-seeking.
Scorpio
Who doesn’t need a friend these days? Your new Podcast, “Befriend an Alien,” allows humans who have never met ETs the wonderful option to correspond and connect with extraterrestrials whose personal diet and grooming habits might prove eccentric up close and personal. It’s one way to express love means never having to say you’re sorry, without getting sorry.
Sagittarius
Last week Mercury was your ruler, but this week Jupiter is your boss and Venus your crazy ex-girlfriend. With Mars retrograde and Pluto missing and presumed AWOL, we recommend a quiet weekend considering potential investments in high-grade, vintage Birkin and Hermes bags.
They don’t make them like you anymore.
Capricorn
This week try to put your index finger on the spirit of the times, while not neglecting the spirits of the past nor the voice of Christmas Future. Read Dickens in those rare moments of peace as you try to escape obligations while moving into the calming bliss of nineteenth-century London.
Aquarius
No longer feel that people are listening? Attempts to obtain attention revealing others’ malign intentions? You’re not alone, Aquarius. This week, use the assertive power of Venus to direct your life and mind into paths that will start to obtain for you the respect you so richly deserve and so infrequently obtain.
Pisces
Your aquadolor cryptocurrency is such a hit in Argentina that its aficionados, dubbed Dolorosas, are already agitating to get the World Bank and IMF to accept it in payment of the national debt.
This week recognize you too can do good by doing.