Week of May 31st

Aries

Who is your Sociopath of the Year? ETs in Cleveland are trying to popularize their “New Negative Nobel Prize” to recognize the achievement of the many who work to make this planet worse. They’re looking for a representative to present their case to the Nobel Committee. Care for a trip to Stockholm?

Taurus

Now that you’ve made a little pile from Baby Birkin Bitcoins, what next? You’re a doer and thinker, Taurus. Perhaps a new market in rare antique watch futures? This might be the week to reach out to Patek Philippe and start a whole new craze.

Gemini

That lemon mushroom vodka pizza might have been hard to digest, but this week consider even tastier morsels. President Lukashenko has begun a whole new market in aircraft hijacking. What Master of the Universe would not enjoy seeing a business rival disappear? ETs from Ft. Lauderdale could quickly assemble a whole fleet of UAV (unidentified aerial vehicles) to help out, just before the new UFO reports come out.

Are you game to up your game?

Cancer

With your fifth house of treasure plummeting (sorry about those cryptocurrencies, but AIs really know how to manipulate a market) and your fourth house of penury rising fast, what to do? We suggest a heart to heart with your seventh house of responsibility, which should provide fine advice for dealing with your boy or girlfriends and the IRS.

Leo

Your data analytics company surveying nursing home metrics has been sold to a bigger behemoth, so where to go next? This week consider a well-deserved vacation in Lakeland, Florida, where after visiting Frank Lloyd Wright’s closed buildings little will interfere with your serene rest.

Virgo

One door closes, another opens. Then another and another out, and soon you have no idea what lies beyond Door #3 or AI Door #17. This week use your inner contemplative self to query your acquisitive side about how much washer-dryers mean in your life.

Libra

Last week arrived with an utter surprise, when the Tall Dark Stranger turned out to be neither tall nor dark though a bit strange. Your reunion with Vito, the guy from the high school AV department, has sparked previously unacknowledged fantasies of pleasure and excitement.

Resist - Saturn is ascending, and you’ve got a lot of work to do this week on your car.

Scorpio

Humans were beyond intrigued by your “Befriend an Alien” campaign, but ET interest has dramatically cooled due to particular problems with immigration laws stuck in Congress. Perhaps “Befriend Your Neighbor” will work better this week, once you’ve checked their vaccination status on the dark web.

Sagittarius

Jupiter may be your ruler but Saturn is much thriftier and Venus a whole lot more fun. This week consider a global astrological rebellion where you get to pick your star and planet, not just your astrologer. Knowledgeable AIs may be brought in to consult.

Capricorn

If the past is not past, the future unreadable and the present singularly unappetizing, where do you go? With Mercury recrudescent and Mars in receivership we suggest a return to the mythic past, where only good things happen and nobody curses you out.

Aquarius

Why let Pisces have all the fun? It’s time to take control of the Aquadolor crypto market, where Argentinian speculators are making a hash out of every iron chain placed on the blockchain. Aquadolorosas will convert to Aquadoloristas, and should flock to the natural protection of your sign, Aquarius, if only for name brand clarity.

Pisces

By the twitching of my thumbs something fishy this way comes. Fish everywhere are horrified by excessive trawling and oceanic despoliation. This week consider starting research on Synthofish. Use ET technology to convert fossil fuels into mouth-watering nuggets of piscatorial culinary power, and Waterworld citizens will hoist you to the highest underwater peaks.