Week of May 3rd

Aries

As May Day approaches, will your tireless laboring save American labor or aid British Labour? Dealing with increased workplace discrimination, aliens of all stripes, colors, sizes and planets are more than willing to unionize.

Can you lead them?

Please discuss with your hairdresser this week.

Taurus

Repurposing Birkin bags as NFT Art Objects of Wonder has brought you into trouble with Hermes, not to mention the Vermont tax authorities. This week dial it down a little, and use 1950s scarves for your sex-meditation practices.

Gemini

Engage your extra-culinary powers to divine where the great Darius, the four feet two overage British rabbit, has been kidnapped, and mighty forces will flow behind you. If you can’t figure it out, call Matt Gaetz.

Cancer

The end of the beginning is turning out to take much longer than expected, but the beginning of the end will prove shorter. This week your romantic life will be unexpectedly aided by downgrading your expectations.

Leo

Alligator Golf did not take off, as cautious reptilians shunned their potential golf-playing partners. Fear not. With the return of cruising, backed in Florida by a ban on vaccine certification, your new plan to hit laser guided balls off cruise ship bows may win points.

Virgo

You might have thought becoming Matthew McConaughey’s Texas gubernatorial campaign manager would be the way to riches and power, but think again. Your political prospects are probably better with Kim Kardashian, whose fame is equal and whose ability to pull money out of pockets is almost unequalled. What better way to sell clothes and apps than a political show?

Libra

Pepsi? Coke? Tesla? Pet Rocks? All great brands use great marketing. Helped by ET friends, your new program in galactic yoga can place almost anyone in a Space all their own.

Scorpio

Does doing the Right Thing make you feel right, or does it only prove how Wrong the rest of your life has been? This weekend combine liberal rounds of lemon mushroom vodka with videos of organic farming to give your future perspectives more perspective.

Sagittarius

This week start making plans for your once in a lifetime trip to Northern Ireland, with a special stop to the new border in the Irish Sea. With the EU opening up, Covid- starved leprachauns are more hungry than ever to see new faces and different currencies. Their new AirBnbs offer more than pot at the end of the rainbow.

Capricorn

Did that black lining lead to a silver cloud, or just a leaden visit to the Department of Motor Vehicles where they still can’t pronounce your name? ETs share your pain, and are more than willing to secretly video the entire affair.

Aquarius

Water water everywhere, and not a drop to drink? Channel your own personal Ancient Mariner and you may find a way to make big money in water filtration IPOs through Robinhood.

Pisces

Your work is getting noticed, Pisces. Soon the Department of Labor will be looking into all aquarian gig workers, especially dolphins, who have worked at DOD for tip money and substandard fish far too long.