Week of November 16th (no Ides)

Aries

If love means never having to say you’re sorry, can you be sorry to have not said you’re sorry?

Kylo Ren has sent his regrets, but ever resourceful ETs are willing to step up to the plate and up your political game. Refugees from the horrible sectarian wars on Rigel IV (reptilians-need we say more?) are more than willing to help you set up all future elections on a fully automated basis achieving electronic results exactly as you ask.

Will you ask? They’re pretty costly.

Taurus

It’s bad enough having a sign based on the name of a style-free car with truly lackluster gas mileage, but the many months' gap in the fashion world caused by COVID is especially galling. That’s why you’re latest fashion idea, repurposing 50s ball gowns as new outfits for outdoor Voguing contests, possesses immediate appeal.

Contestants can even sport vintage Birkin bags. On an as-needed basis.

Gemini

Okay, that job at the Russian troll farm did not turn out as planned. You were scammed way too much money by a team from the GRU, and worse, had to explain those doctored sexting photographs to your former ex-boyfriend. But hey, live and learn. All the techniques you’ve gleaned should make you a knockout when you apply for Internet censorship positions with our highest rated companies.

Cancer

Your TikTok Daoism is taking off, as monks lip-synch a meditative message to heavy metal standards. Can your career as podcast influencer lie far behind?

Leo

Restaurants are not necessarily the place to be these days, but “Rapturous Raptors” may tantalize your coming ascent. Now that Sotheby’s sold a $32 million T Rex as part of a “contemporary art” auction, who says the powers of the ancient past can’t power the profits of the future?

As we know, there are plenty of predators out there to choose from.

And not all of them are fossils.

Virgo

Your new sitcom based on Colombia’s drug wars did not get studio approval, but try and try again. The secret lives of American museum curators engage intense intrigue, lethally byzantine politics, impossibly unromantic vacation trysts and flavorless dining, not to mention high-energy meetings with sexually provocative billionaires. Just the right stuff for a daytime Emmy?

Libra

That fabulous visit to Kim’s fantastic island getaway was something of a letdown, what with the Kmart designer water and the endless merchandising of hardly quotable yoga togs masquerading as lingerie/lounge wear.

We recommend lying low until Thanksgiving, which may be just the time to meet Mr. Right at the socially distanced train station.

Scorpio

Now that the election is over, General Obi-wan wants back in this part of the galaxy, and you can provide the entrée. Get him a part in the second season of “Warrior Nun” and you may gain more than your personalized signature lightsaber.

Science fiction may never be this spiritual again.

Sagittarius

This will be a big week and even bigger month for you, as the full moon of your lit spirit house declines into the dark hole of your seventh house of unfinished work projects. With Saturn in a snit and Mercury suffering a long-deserved hangover, we suggest making many big plans but not acting on any until the New Year and the start of new Netflix romcoms.

Capricorn

Still stuck on Miley? She’s too busy reading contemporary art history these days to notice you, now that she knows painting her “glowing yellow snowplows” can garner big bucks at celebrity auctions. Might we suggest approaching Lindsay Lohan instead? But please, don’t ever mention Pitbull or Grand Theft Auto, okay?

Aquarius

Rudy Guiliani wants to move from going underground to traveling underwater, and you can be his guide, Aquarius. Call Aquaman and the RNC will be more than willing to pay the bill, no questions asked.

Those sea sirens you always wanted to meet? Such gorgeous sea-green eyes may covet your long green.

Pisces

This promises to be a dazzler week for you, with stunning full moons, punishing hurricanes, and potent pandemics wrapped up into a ravishing weekend package. Your promising new ET girlfriend will unquestionably notice your newly scintillating savoir-faire.