Aries
Genius begets innovation. This week you start ECI, the Election Correction Institute. All “bad” results can be fixed when you know the right ETs. Expertise in electronic accounting, text manipulation, information reset and intelligent oversight are aided immensely by millennia of work on other planets.
It’s a win: for you, for ECI, for everyone who wants the right people to rule. Or ETs, as they determine.
Taurus
Can fashion remain fashionable? This week we suggest you request your inner child consult with your mature ideal self to discover the perfect sustainable youth style. Only your stylist will know your secret.
Gemini
A neutron star implosion in the Beta sector might cause you to have second thoughts on your impending job move. Remove your doubts; a supernovae is on the way that will light your path to brilliance, if you can live the required centuries.
Cancer
If your TikTok career proved fleeting, recognize with gratitude the many wonderful intelligences you met on your eventful journey through space and time. The future will never feel like this again, not even when it’s virtual.
Leo
No, Dr. Fauci and FBI director Wray did not have their heads placed on pikes at the White House. It’s time to stop listening to the rantings of Steve Bannon and embrace the loving principles of Mike Tyson, a man who understands life involves rolling with the punches, and through use of the “Whizzinator,” got past drug tests devised by less spirited minds.
Virgo
Is this the time to take no prisoners, or the time to succor all survivors? A major mutation in the Force requires you to choose wisely. We recommend Chicago deep dish pizza washed down with copious lemon pepper vodka to aid you in this critical decision.
Libra
Did Mr. Right turn out to be utterly wrong, or did Mr. Wrong get you right and leave you unwilling to confront your hidden inner demons? Celebrate the end of unhappy relationships with a big slice of chocolate pumpkin cheesecake and next week will appear a lot more promising.
Scorpio
Obi-Wan decided not to come after all, but fear not: Kylo Ren refused two weeks quarantine in New York and is willing to enter your apartment/house/shelter, if you are willing to make a small personal contribution to the Dark Side of the Force.
How is your moral bank balance these days?
Sagittarius
Mercury wants to make amends for all that he’s recently done to your love life. With Venus ascendant as well as the virus, we suggest meeting your next love on the new ET version of Ashley Madison, where multi-partnered aliens seek invigorating and amazing diversions with sympathetic other species.
Capricorn
The fifth sun of your treasure house is soon to be outbid by the fourth moon of your tax house, leaving you in a precarious position for any partying come New Year’s. Use an ascendant Venus to bring you new, happier encounters with old playmates.
Aquarius
Uncertainty about the underwater status of COVID vaccines has much of the Aquasphere buzzing with annoyed anticipation. Use your scientific chops to reassure your friends that saltwater injections work perfectly well in salt water.
Pisces
After your ET girlfriend moves in, will her multi-sexed ET ex-partner stay far behind? We suggest you avail yourself of ET identikit services, as many aliens are able to suspend themselves in water or even disappear into minuscule multiverses while freeloading in terrestrial homes; even lovers must take precautions these days.