Week of November 2nd (post-ghost)

Aries

Congrats, Aries. Your new recycled ocean microplastics-building materials plan has been tapped by the Administration to construct the next segment of the US-Mexico border wall. We will now use our old refuse to protect America against refugees.

With its high cost amortized into the Defense Department budget, no one might notice.

But you will.

Taurus

Your plan for 3-D “handbag highlights” was succeeding. Sotheby’s and Christie's were considering licensing your images for Birkin bags.

But reptilian aliens are now up in arms. Helped by the president’s friend, Dr. Stella Immanuel, they are protesting “fashion merchandising the very texture of our lives.”

It’s time to get the administration on your side. Who said reptilian aliens can live in the U.S.? What gives interstellar aliens the right to enjoy the fruits of American democracy?

It’s time to put your skin in the game.

Gemini

Are you falling in love again?

We think so. Love is in the air. In the soil. In the water, along with prozac.

It’s also aided this week by the implosion of a neutron star in the epsilon sector.

But what to do during COVID, when there’s nobody around?

We suggest considering home appliances. You’ve already developed quite a relationship with your refrigerator during the epidemic.

Might you consider the next step?

Cancer

Meditation got you down? Finding following the Tao has not allowed you to predict the Dow, nor send you toward greater Zen?

No matter. We suggest you stop meditating about trees, bushes, and flowers, and instead contemplate the VIX, the inverse to our special AI horoscope WTF stock volatility index.

Consideration of what is evanescent and volatile may bring calm, not to mention riches when the market tanks.

Leo

Tired of listlessly feeling utterly powerless? Join the club.

But we suggest you leave it quickly. It’s time to start your own political party, the “MOFO” party. It can be for whatever you want; after all, it’s your party. But “MOFO” will be “more for” anything and anybody than any other party, hands down.

It’s time to party towards your own special party, the MOFO way.

Virgo

Eating Singaporese cocoanut ramen has finally cured your Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and you are now ready for new challenges. Your life has a gift for poetry, aided this week by an ascending Mercury and a descending Mars that is really pissed off by what lover Venus keeps saying about him on social media. We suggest you start the Beckett Beach Club, where fans of Samuel Beckett social distance on ravishing beaches and pronounce great lines from their favorite plays.

Didn’t he say, “There is hope, but not for us?”

Libra

Friends still focused on doom and dejection? Does your boss still imagine the Apocalypse arrives November 3rd? It’s time to lift all these folks’ spirits, and yours, Libra. ETs new to Earth are desperate for connection, and their new “Out of Space” Comedy club promises to really help lift us above the COVID blues.

But only a very few are invited to these exclusive events; many aliens are hiding from ICE these days. But with your connections?

This week promises to be a laugh riot – without protestors.

Scorpio

It’s time to stop contemplating American carnage as a group sharing experience. No, Scorpio, this week you want to have fun. We suggest you and your friends simultaneously zoom watch Netflix’s major Andalusian hit, “Warrior Nun,” while liberally engaging in discount lemon mushroom vodka. With the future of mankind at stake, the devil is in the details. And who better to share it with than really hot, really dedicated evil-fighting Ninja nuns. As they say, “in this life or the next.”

Sagittarius

You’re indignant, and we know why Sagittarius. Pat Robertson has predicted an American Civil War, an Islamic war on Israel, and then “some kind of asteroid strike” on Earth. And you were just about to announce the asteroid hit yourself.

But you’ll one-up him when you put out on Reddit just before Halloween the coordinates of the strike as not all that far from Liberty University, where rival Jerry Falwell Jr. has had his own intimate troubles.

Only the ghosts will know the truth.

Capricorn

It pays to have friends in high places.

And your friends are very, very high.

Recently, Miley Cyrus announced “eye contact” with an alien who trailed her in something appearing like a “glowing yellow snowplow.”

You were then accompanying your alien friend while playing paparazzo, and know beyond doubt that her spaceship does not look at all resemble a snowplow, but is rather a tasteful, abstracted but delicate rendition of one of the most powerful raptors of the Vronxx solar system.

It’s time to tell Miley yourself. And get a few more snaps.

Aquarius

Halloween asks us to consider our good deeds of the previous year, and this is no exception, Aquarius. We recommend that forthwith you call the editors of “The Week,” and ask them to spike their story that Mel Brooks is an alien.

Mel is not an alien, but has spent enough time in NYC and LA to meet many distinguished aliens, which has vastly enriched his comedic repertoire. Where do you think the Two Thousand-Year-old man comes from, anyway? The Talmud?

Good deeds engender good jokes.

Pisces

Fish everywhere are outraged at your mediation of the Nova Scotian lobster wars. Do you really think crustaceans require representation?

But you can make it up to them with your new ad campaign against “fake” seafood, especially the kind that fiendishly exploit overlooked minorities like pollock.

As we know, fake crab was the original fake food.