Week of November 9th (All Earthlings Welcome)

Aries

Your idea of getting Kylo Ren to the White House to obtain a “better” election result possesses merit. Sadly, Kylo has gotten COVID and is not quite his Jedi self these days. He’s also expressed disappointment at the “Dark Forces” inability to use effective COVID prevention techniques, saying he’d rather “wait for a better time.”

Taurus

Your plan to license Birkin bags with “alien” skin has put you in hot water in several parts of the galaxy. Despite your desire to get off this planet, we suggest you stay put for a while, and sedulously resist all efforts to entice you to Rigel IV.

Unless of course you want to be bagged yourself.

Gemini

Your desire to learn literary Russian will finally bear fruit. Russian is not just Tolstoy and Akhamatova; Russian troll farms are actively seeking American workers to help on future “merchandising” campaigns. In a tough economy, they promise long- term employment. And who doesn’t want to influence American opinion?

Let Pushkin give you a big push up.

Cancer

Now that you know everything in life is transient, temporary and volatile, where to go next? We suggest moving into social media, where most anything is possible, even the most impossible possible improbabilities. Use your Daoist training for TikTok, and the future is limitless.

Leo

Power. Wouldn’t you like some?

Yeah, well so would a lot of other people. Your new political MOFO Party is getting started, but this week a listless transient of Venus might provide greater entertainment for your Saturn’s treasure house and pleasure house, not to mention your bank balance, which seems to move inversely from your waistline.

Take a breather, and enjoy some nineties video games before you fully demonstrate your burgeoning influence.

Virgo

Beckett got you down? Reality overwhelming? And that’s before your girlfriend/boyfriend refused to join you for a family zoom meeting.

We suggest you return to Philip Larkin, a librarian almost everyone can like. His “This Be the Verse” is a good introduction to life lessons, as well as relatively easy to remember.

Libra

Extraterrestrials are really excited by Gorillaz’ new album “Strange Timez”, and want to add a few tracks from time-traveling songsmiths of the Virgilian system, who are normally too shy to chant anything on Earth. Use your ET contacts the right way, and soon you may get that coveted invitation to Kim Kardashian’s private island, a great getaway from that cold, dingy but COVID safe apartment you use to fuel your genius.

Scorpio

Chaos and carnage still got you down? It’s sad that COVID will indescribably lengthen the start date of the second season of “Warrior Nun,” but there are alternatives.

We just wish we knew what they were. Perhaps you can call the Vatican and see if they’ll promise a soulful series of medieval monk poets with supernatural powers and really nifty hairstyles?

Is the life or the next, or maybe the one after that?

Sagittarius

Your new zoom “fake food” cooking series is about to go virtual. Using real-life celebrities, especially the ever-popular Roseanne, to cook fake food might jump-start your career as food fashion fantasist for tweens, teens, and corporate recruiters.

Capricorn

Your last encounter with Miley Cyrus was so successful she now wants you as her official extra-solar system photographer. But there’s a catch: she first wishes you to accompany her on a trip in your alien bro’s ship to the Vronxx system.

Bad move. Those Vronxxian raptors are swift and surgically precise. If you come back, you’ll be missing parts you never knew you had.

Might we suggest a short stay in Wonderland before it reopens?

Aquarius

Meeting Mel Brooks’ alien friends have truly enriched your life, but we know their fellowship has just added to the sense that something is missing in your life.

It is.

And to find it you may need a road trip. The new Tesla self-driving might prove just the ticket. Program it to visit spots you’ve never heard of and you may find more of yourself in places you never imagined.

They haven’t imagined you, either.

Pisces

Nifty new software for tracking fishing vessels raping fishing stocks in waters of countries you can’t pronounce may win you accolades, but perhaps not the hot ET girlfriend of your dreams. We suggest that this week you use your programming skills to conjure up light but refreshing new dishes that any culinary Extraterrestrial could love. But please, no sourcing from sentient species, okay?