Week of October 26th (pre-ghost)

Aries

Worried about the future? The car loan? The student loans? The federally delayed mortgage payments?

We have just one word for you Aries - microplastics. Australian researchers estimate 15 million tons of the stuff may be sitting idle in the Earth’s seas. According to the Week, that’s about 20 shopping bags full for every foot of coastline.

Just think if you could mine it. Salvage it. Turn it into building materials. Pet rocks. iPhone cases. Cutting edge fashion designs.

You’ve always thought big, Aries. Now it’s time to think small.

It’s the new way to think big.

Taurus

Talking with experts from the Matrix is starting to change your mind. Their algorithms predict that humans will be less and less interested in handbags in the new post-COVID age. Why show off shopping when you’re internet buying at 3 AM while snacking in your pajamas?

But Birkins can still be big. We suggest you next talk with some AIs about bringing Birkins to 3D virtual reality.

Trends may die, but fashion will always live.

Gemini

Fortunately your ET girlfriend did not turn out to be a carnivorous reptilian alien. But her rather curious vegan habits have caused most of your neighbor’s gardens to disappear. They’ve noticed.

Can we suggest that you introduce her to kudzu? Perhaps you can just put a few bits in her next salad during this week’s torrid tete-a-tete.

Cancer

Investing in funeral home stocks has turned against you as people move towards more economical cremations, increasingly attractive as COVID builds through the fall and winter.

What to do?

Markets go up and down but you have to stay up. We suggest you go long Japan. As their population declines, nobody believes in them except Warren Buffett.

Will the way of the Dow follow the Tao, or the path of Zen (Chan)?

Meditate on your answer then tell us, okay?

Leo

You are the lion in winter, but Saturn’s fifth sun of your treasure house is about to confront the fourth son of your long lost lover, who has recently decided to touch you for a loan repayment whose features you cannot recall.

No, you’re not going to pay for his moped. Not until she produces the notarized contract.

Even then.

Virgo

Last week was spent in summery repose, but this week will prove far more energizing. Mars is ascending, Mercury is spinning far away and Venus can’t bother playing the evening star with all the increased pollution. A coming deformation of the Force, just in time for the American election, tells us this is the most auspicious time to eat Singaporese cocoanut ramen in a generation.

Even if all the noodle shops are closed you should be able to find it on the Net. Use Google translate, and pray.

Scorpio

The past will be present, but the future may soon be ditched, and your mother-in-law is coming in the midst of an epidemic. This is your week to hunker down and appreciate lemon mushroom vodka, though not with breakfast.

She has a fantastic nose.

Sagittarius

Your kids were disappointed that Santa was wearing a mask, but you’ll make it up to them this Halloween. Dress her as a silver Tesla SUV with maroon highlights and him as a Waymo self-driving bus and soon the whole neighborhood will be going places.

Capricorn

Reading the Army’s new “Holistic Health and Fitness” manual allowed you to escape alien VD, but this week you may not be so lucky. Stop checking all those extraterrestrial dating sites and train your sights on pleasurable possible mates from charismatic communities, the new hot trend in American culture. It’s not just ETs who speak with many tongues, and what better path to the language of love?

Aquarius

Google needs some anti-trust help, and you’ve got just the right deep sea friends to come to their aid. You’ve always been a great connector between people and ideas, and the folks in Atlantis have a completely new way to consider American legal codes. Time to go underwater to stay on top.

Pisces

You’ve been asked to mediate the war between indigenous and non-indigenous lobstermen in southwest Nova Scotia. But we suggest a better use of your time will be watching “The Expanse” on Netflix, which will provide better insights for future dominance in all kinds of fishy business, not to mention a longer lifespan.