Week of October 5th (ETs welcome)

Aries

So what if Madonna doesn’t want your help with her upcoming biopic? A more immediate opportunity lies with Georgia Senator Kelly Loeffler. To prove that she is “more conservative than Attila the Hun,” her TV ads portray the great general grunting out her campaign slogans.

We know you can do a better job. With your family experiences, nobody knows Attila like you, Aries.

Taurus

Birkinize, Birkinize. What’s life without the right bag?

But first you need the right rags. The newest Gucci faded overalls costs $1400 and comes with stenciled grass stains.

With what you’ve got in the closet, you should make a killing this week, easily paying for your next trip to Disneyworld, where discounts beckon.

Gemini

This will prove a challenging week, with black holes colliding in the Epsilon sector and Obi-wan Kenobi pondering a call out of retirement as the Dark Force attempts to take over selected countries on a planet near you. But your mother-in-law’s computer is glitching again.

First things first, right?

Cancer

This is not the week to dial down the passion of your powerful personality. Take a tip from the president: nothing dominates likes domination, and you’re the ultimate dominator, Cancer. It’s time to get in touch with those inner demons and master the Universe.

Leo

Your new Covid “long hauler” business is looking good. As winter approaches forecasts are for a doubling of deaths in America by New Year’s, with an accompanying increase in Covid chronic disease. Get ready to scale everything up.

Virgo

Knowing that Disney is letting go 28,000 employees must hurt, Virgo. For you, the magic kingdom has always proven magical.

But there’s hope. ETs sequestered in Fort Lauderdale will be happy to relocate to Orlando if you can help them get into their next gig: a new theme park of Extraterrestrial critters that makes Jurassic Park look like Mr. Rogers’ Sunday dinners. Not only can you save your favorite corporation, but also help hundreds of endangered species from undisguised obliteration.

You owe it to Mickey and the many planets to do what must be done.

Libra

This will be a good week for recognizing your burgeoning abilities and inner superpowers. Prove it to the world by preparing the best sesame ramen you ever contemplated.

You and your cat will savor the experience for decades.

Scorpio

ET girlfriends are exciting but expensive, and not always good at social distancing. This may be the week to refocus your romantic life towards Earth men and women, especially those with a cabin in the woods perfect for Covid getaways.

Sagittarius

Is this the week to indulge your appetite for adventure and romance? No. Both your rising work house and your declining fun house, not to mention Mercury’s missed tax payments and future declensions argue this is a good time to just keep that Covid quarantine going.

Capricorn

Your ability to weigh and consider the nature of the world has always been one of your strengths, Cap. So we agree that your new campaign to cap all American income taxes at $750 a year not only possesses presidential provenance but providential power. Not all accountants will agree, until they see your delightful additions to the tax code.

Aquarius

Love means never having to say you’re sorry, but life means recognizing that even the greatest do not always succeed. And this week your latest relationship is looking decidedly rocky, in ways that no amount of flowers or weed may fix. Use the beginning of fall to learn to fail better.

Pisces

Caution, Pisces. The future is hard to know, the past is immutable but soon forgotten, the present definitively uncertain. Use this week to marshal your forces, prepare your powers, and adjust your agency; virtual reality will only get better.