Week of September 14th

Aries

Want to keep your personal zipcode? Time to up your game, set and match. Your new program, “Keeping Up With The Krils,” a new reality show starring an enthralling, heartwarming group of reptilians running a Washington Pizzeria (they’re really nice to children) is just the kind of programming the Kardashians (KUWTK) should recognize as a sincere hommage. Getting Dr. Stella Immanuel as medical advisor is a plus, but the endorsement from White House advisor Stephen Miller is a masterstroke, especially his statement of “crushing all illegal extraplanetary immigration.” The Krils, with their starfaring skills, came in under the “Einstein Visa” program, just like Ivanka.

Taurus

Your fashion sense can now be put to diplomatic use. An expert in Birkinage should be up to mediating the Ivanka-Melania spat. We’d suggest starting with a joint press conference on the promise and perils on pre-nups.

Gemini

If those new contacts with Rigel IV don’t lead to the mortgage refinance deal you were expecting, fear not. It’s time to take the tiger by the tail so you can avoid the Plague like the plague. And at the end of the day, if only the wall could talk, people might know the agony that your “Vote Twice – It’s Nice” put you through, for no good deed goes unpunished.

Cancer

Want to unset that Aries upstart? Help promote the new Lukashenko “Protect Against Protests” prize. Belarus’ fabled president prefers AK-47s, but he knows good weaponry when he sees it, and the AR-15 used by Kyle Rittenhouse on Kenosha “dissidents” is an acceptable replacement for restoring hid kind of order. Having Anne Coulter (“I want him as president”) announce Kyle’s award will really up your status in Minsk.

Leo

Your “Make Pizza Famous” is about to win regional galactic recognition when your new reptilian friends the Krils (see Aries) endorse your national promotion campaign. Super cute KRRZK Kril, the six hundred pound grandson, should supercharge a Covid inspired return to that quintessential American food, pizza.

They even love it on Rigel VII, especially after the exhausting mating season.

Virgo

Covid is getting to all of us, but you know what to do, Virgo. Your new “Beating Yourself at Solitaire” training podcasts will allow Americans to improve and defeat their better selves, night after day.

Libra

It’s time to get a little R&R. So help Kentuckian John Pettingham fight his dual arrests in Banff, Canada, violating Canadian quarantine rules. Who doesn’t want to see the Canadian Rockies? Who doesn’t want to escape their Covid infested hometown? Should Americans be faced with six months in jail just because they want a quarantine busting vacation? (Americans are only allowed to cross directly into Canada in order to drive to Alaska.)

Everybody needs a chance to get out, Leo, and you can help.

Scorpio

A recent violent merging of black holes in the remote Zebra galactic sector has left true romantics looking for a new aspirational story. And you can provide it. Your new screenplay about a reptilian from Rigel VII and a saurian from Rigel IV, eloping across a Cassiopeian spaceship in order to find true love on Earth, may make the new Covid film festival season jump parsecs in anticipation.

Sagittarius

Never have so many felt so awful towards so few, but it’s not your fault, Sagittarius. You knew what was happening in Wuhan, but your many attempts to enlist ET help were stymied in Washington.

With California under a bit of a cloud, can we suggest Australia? They know what it’s like to get all hot and smoky.

Capricorn

Your attempt to have superb, needy students substitute as takers of the SAT for worthy billionaire children has taken a bit of a crash under Covid, but help is on the way. ET based androids, expert at impersonating humans, should be able to get the highest score for all the Felicity Huffmans on the planet and do the job in less than an Earth minute.

Aquarius

Wakandan remains in mourning over Chadwick Boseman, a brilliant, inspiring actor and director. Perhaps you can get your Aquaman contacts to suggest to the Wakandans they might allow their oncologic expertise to reach our shores?

Pisces

Time rules life, but life rules taxes, and taxes rule your vacation plans, Pisces. Now is the week for that painful call to the IRS, momentarily distracted with a few Covid inspired bills no one understands, so that your children and grandchildren may not face reconstituted debtor’s prisons. You owe it to the future to save your past from the present.