Week of September 21st (Earth Subscribers)

Aries

It’s hard staying number One, Aries. We know. Stress, strain, unending pressures.

But you’re up to the task. And your new plan to “Rake America Great Again” should put you at the forefront of national policymaking. Getting China and Mexico to pay for millions and millions of Girl and Boy Scouts to rake the California and Oregon forests in-between remote learning classes demonstrates the kind of genius that keeps you on top.

Taurus

The new reality show, Keeping UP With the Krils, highlighting a hardworking Washington ET immigrant family, is just what you’ve been looking for. As the master of Birkinage, you know all about real leather, and reptilians like the cozy Krils know more about hides than virtually any human might imagine. So get close, but make sure you don’t become a visiting ET’s snack, okay?

Gemini

Lady Gaga needs your help. Besting Bad Bunny in the charts makes her understand the need for never-ending novelty, and you can provide it, Gemini. Your contacts on Rigel IV can allow for extraplanetary fireworks Our Lady should truly appreciate for her post-COVID future stadium shows.

Cancer

Tired of being one-upped by vainglorious Aries? It’s time for a new idea, and you’ve got one. Suggesting that future named storms and hurricanes carry the monikers of great comedians is a stroke of fine weather. How can people be terrified of a category IV when it’s named Jerry, Lenny, Wanda or Sid?

Leo

Bad Bunny wants back on the charts, and with the aid of your apartment cleaner, you know what to do. ETs include some of the galaxy’s greatest cleanup artists, and your plan to have Bad Bunny’s outfits handled by the Beetle Blasters of Rigel VI promises to put you and your family up in the firmament. Just remember – to get past new American immigrant policies, Bad Bunny must promise to pay every Rigelian 240 K or higher each year. Fortunately on Rigel VI whole communities can aggregate as a single superorganism, a decidedly economical approach to space tourism.

Virgo

It’s time for humans to learn to get along, and you can help, Virgo. Nominating advice columnist E. Jean Carroll to the White House Project on Better Sexual Relations should gain you attention and traction in all sorts of high places.

Libra

Bummed out by this year’s football season? No pre-season, no fans in the stands, no overpriced nachos? You know how to help, Libra. Your plan for Virtual Reality football, where fans can experience getting their heads twisted off and their backs reconfigured should go gangbusters once you implement new Wakandan VR technology. Why let the players have all the fun?

Scorpio

Okay, your relationship with Marie Kondo (Kondo Mariko) did not work out as planned due to Abe Shinzo’s unfortunate illness and fall from power. But you’re a true romantic, Scorpio, and you will rise to the occasion. Though Mercury still represents your fun house, the tenth house of retirement is Pluto, and Saturn’s declension should keep warlike Mars far away. Not even Ming the Merciless can block your pleasures now.

Sagittarius

This is your lucky week, Sagittarius. True, the last month, with that biggish loss in VR gambling and the even bigger negative financial reckoning on Robinhood, has put you off Lady Fortune. But things are lucking up. At least Saturn, which is rising into your treasure house. Might we suggest taking a position in electric trucks? Somebody’s got to bring all those packages during the next pandemic wave, don’t you think?

Capricorn

No, Kanye is not going to Belarus to create the next peace agreement shock, but you might, Capricorn. Getting Steve Martin as the man with Two Brains (and two heads) is just what the doctor ordered to restart Palestinian peace talks. Peace is your profession, Capricorn, peace and prosperity, and the Palestinians are feeling really left out right now.

Aquarius

Is the true occupation of your heart dog grooming, astronomer, actuary? None of the above, Aquarius. Your free melding spirit demands a powerfully floating water sign and a subsidized fire sign, completed by a freewheeling weather sign. Who better to become a fireman in these times?

Pisces

Entertaining is not so entertaining without fans, but you have a solution, Pisces. Friends on Rigel VII are pretty good at matter transformation, and can easily transform schooling fish into holographic audiences who can fill any stadium or struggling hair salon at the twitch of a switch. Be careful about the contracting, though; might want to get a Capricorn lawyer with extrasolar expertise.