Week of September 28th

Aries

Life is a roller coaster, but you know how to pick yourself up! The White House may be too distracted to recognize the merits of “Rake America Great Again,” but others of singular power may more accurately assess your worth. We suggest you immediately offer your services to Madonna as she writes the screenplay of her own life. As she noted, “Who better to tell it than me?”

You, Aries. Even the great need a little distance.

Taurus

Fashion is not just fun, it’s fabulous. This is your best week in more than a year to review your closets and start inventorying their contents and stories for your future biographer. Remember that dress you bought on the rebound from that scummy social media security flack? Or those glorious heels you never wore to the wedding that never was? Your closets are a depository of American history.

Informed citizens wish to know.

Gemini

COVID got you bored like a gourd? We recommend, starting this very week, that you begin your self-cultivation classes in the magnificent panoply of Balzac’s “Comedie Humaine.” With at least 94 volumes to choose from, you can witness how much nineteenth-century France might teach twenty-first century America, especially when it comes relations between the sexes.

Cancer

Can’t meteorologists come up with better names for tropical storms than “Beta?” With all respect to Star Trek, you know they can. We suggest you ask your friends from Rigel IV to provide the National Hurricane Center with famous storm names from other planetary systems. It’s time American weather took its place among the stars.

Leo

Bills are unpaid, the rent is coming due, and your old boss who promised you your old job has a disconnected number? Don’t worry, Leo, better times are coming. We suggest you use your entrepreneurial talents to start new businesses attuned to COVID “long haulers,” the soon to be millions of folks who the virus has left requiring special services for their chronic conditions. Why not do well by doing good?

Virgo

We looked at your chart carefully. We looked again. We really suggest you sit next week out, Virgo. It’s not just a pretty world out there.

Libra

Virtual Reality football is just the beginning. There’s VR baseball, VR soccer, and of course the really big one, VR gaming. We suggest you get into VR Curling. With COVID humans need an Olympic sport that’s utterly mindless and relaxing.

Scorpio

It’s time to talk sense about the Census. Millions and millions of Americans are getting left out, and you can help, Scorpio. Many ETS, including those escaping Cleveland and Ft. Lauderdale, are incensed that they are not getting included in our national population measures. Just because you’re an alien means you can’t be counted? Some ETs are real whizzes at hacking, and will soon be leaving their work for the Russians when the election finally happens.

It’s time to stand up and be counted.

Sagittarius

This week is the best time in decades to get your AI writing company off the ground. Plenty of remotely learning students are desperate for your services, and are more than happy to “write” papers on subjects like “Who Needs Humans?”

Capricorn

The past is not just the present, it’s your future, Cap. With vinyl records outselling compact discs, your trove of Eastern European staples of the fifties and sixties has finally reached its true time. TikTok will never be the same.

Aquarius

Okay, you got nowhere with Cate Blanchett, especially since they won’t allow Americans into Australia or anyplace outside of Aruba anyway. But there’s still hope for a watery lifestyle. With our yen for the past, franchising Jacques Cousteau cookware might be your ticket to our stay-at-home population’s new fascination with personal cuisine.

Pisces

You feel people’s suffering, Pisces, and your immensely expressive eyes sometimes give away the depth of your desperate compassion. So the massive black hole collision in the Zeta sector should make this an exceptionally good time for you to look forward to a creative, sensual, and exciting future.

We just wish we knew where you could find it. You might start with “How To Win Friends and Influence People,” though we suggest skimming the parts about making new friends in bars.